i forget so often how therapeutic words can be. i miss putting my thoughts on paper. i think and overthink nearly everything, and writing all the thoughts down helps to curb that nasty habit a little bit and make me quit brooding a little.
i am housesitting this week. my old babysitting family the kallinas called and asked if i might be interested in watching their house for 2 weeks while they went on vacation. i immediately said yes, even though i will be gone the second week visiting my dearest friend. however, they assured me that one week was good enough for them and i got the keys and instructions for pet care.
last night i moved in. my parents left for their 30th anniversary vacation, and i moved out, giving my brother and i each the week of space we probably need, not that we see that much of each other as it is. the house is beautiful. granite kitchen countertops, beautiful tiled floor, impeccable cleanliness and decorating taste...it's beautiful. it's one of those houses you just KNOW has to be a "model house" for a home show or something. it's that beautiful. they have a lovely back patio and a pool. it's like my dream house. and i get to live here for a week. my heart feels so nice and light. it's nice to be secluded for a little bit, to get some space, to pamper myself. it's been a long time. when you move back in with your family there not alot of time for pampering. there's always alot to do, or to think about doing at least.
i read a verse this morning during breakfast (yes i had time and ingredients to make a REAL breakfast...fantastic) that really pushed my heart further along the "peaceful and light" continuum.
2 Corinthians 4:6 -
"For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ."
doesn't that just make you happy? God put his light in our hearts so that we could KNOW His glory. i love it. so much. corinthians has become the life saver inner tube device of my stormy ocean of post-graduation summer.
mmmm i'm so excited about these next two weeks. one week of solitude, and then one tremendous week of restoration.
beautiful.
Saturday, June 27
Sunday, June 14
life as i knew it.
as the birds sit tweeting away from beyond the screen in our window, i sit at our kitchen table. there is a constant state of activity that i am not used to here. i am not used to the "family life" and the continual commentary of people in my life. i know that i am going to miss my covenant life. as it became the norm, so it also became the past. i am in a state of transition, that just seems so permanent. i am ready for the next thing. ready for more permanence. ready for the job, the apartment...you know...the beginning of the next stage, with all it's hardships and struggles, but also with all it's beauty.
Saturday, June 6
still
i feel still. my life feels still. not a contented or uncontented still. not stagnant. just still.
i don't know exactly what this means. i don't know how to explain it because of that reason as well. i have missed writing so much. writing seems to be a cathartic exercise for me, as it is for so many. my thoughts are best sorted out when put into words, but i often forget and neglect giving my brain the exercise it needs.
i read the twilight series by stephanie meyer in the last 2 weeks. it is so rewarding to read 4 books, that are nearly 5-600 pages each, in such a brief time. i have missed reading for fun so much, and this series of books (though i didn't want to read them at all) have taught me alot about dedication, and not stopping for anything when you know something is right, whether or not it is scary or dangerous. i think it is a good example of being willing to protect those you love regardless of harm it may cause yourself. of course this is never the mindset we want those we love to have, because we want them to be safe, but we often realize this mindset in ourselves, i think. i have always been like that. i would much rather those i love be happy and safe than myself. occasionally this is a problem as i underestimate them and what they can take and try to protect them more than i ought. sometimes the opposite is also true. however, i don't think there is any harm in trying sometimes.
i loved reading twilight, not for the vampire and werewolf stories, the "fantasy" literature aspect...this is actually why i didn't want to read them. not my favorite. instead i fell in love with it because of the relationships. the strength of relationships. the willingness, as i said, to do anything for the ones you love. it mimicked my heart completely in some of those areas. it was a wonderful feeling to be "understood" by the characters, if you will. that maybe one of the purposes in my life that i sometimes feel alone in is not such rare thing after all.
it is so strange being a graduate here, now. so strange moving back into my house after 3 years of being gone. i know that i have lived at home every summer and winter, but it seems different. it is different. then i was more of a visitor, trying to fit in visits with all my friends. now, i have to figure out who of my friends still actually want to be my friends. i don't want to force friendships with people who really don't have too much of a place for me in their lives right now. so many of my friends are recently married, or have recently become engaged, or are working so much that i just don't want to interfere with their lives, or force myself on them, as i feel like i used to do. i miss it being easier. i miss people searching me out for once. i am so thankful for the very few that still do. it warms my heart to feel loved and wanted. it happens so infrequently here in my natural environment, that has become a slightly unknown place to me. i want so badly to get to know everyone again, as they are now, and for them to know me as i am now. i have only truly realized the extent of my 3 year transformations now that i am home and seeing myself from other people's eyes...seeing what they expect me to be and that i haven't changed too much in their vision since high school. i want them to being able to know my heart. i am so thankful for caron and cait and sarah who have really tried and made sure that they know me now. i'm thankful for tressa and jess who have never given up...who have known me all along, though i don't get to see them as much as i want to.
it is really hard to have the one person that knows you better than anyone else out of contact when you are feeling so unknown. i miss talking to her at night and being able to tell her frustrations and joys and not have her analyze those things from the me i used to be, but accept them from the me that i have grown into alongside her. it's nice to not have to explain things to the "nth" degree to be understood. and i miss that very much. i miss having a schedule, even if it is far between. once i find out when we will be able to talk occasionally...even if it's once or twice a week...it'll be better...because i know it is coming and i can count on it. at this point the silence just seems endless. one email for an entire week is leaving me a little thirsty for contact and assurance that she is safe in the land far away. however, the details included in such an email are so wonderful in helping to imagine her environment in my mind's eye. her life there. the fact that she is staying fed and getting enough sleep and has a place to check her email and shower and a friend to go to work with. all of these things steal away parts of my nervousness about it and replace it with a small sense of comfort, knowing that her indian family will take care of her.
questions still linger in my mind about sundays in india...working with lepers...the market...being able to call...all these things that i have yet to know about. i am waiting with bated breath to hear.
today is going to be a good day. today i am going to see so many old friends and hopefully start some reconnection. coffee with my tressa, who is always the encouragement. cookout at lana's with my bible study girls from years past. hopefully some prayer with them as well. and then hopefully a visit to la casa jessica. it has been a long time since i have spent time with these girls and i am praying for a reconnection that lasts, because i have felt so disconnected while i have been away. hazards of out of state school i suppose, but that doesn't make me like it anymore or less. also, finally andrew is home. i am intent on seeing him at several points this week as he will be spending much of his summer time down in carbondale at his school. i really miss him, his attitude, his demeanor, the way he carries himself, the way he sees the world. it is generally really refreshing for me to be around him and i really miss our friendship.
sorry for the long post. if you have made it this far, congratulations. this will not be the last of this genre of posts as i have so many free nights to myself, and therefore so much time to think.
today's goal: start to think about/plan a budget for my life. start to think about ways to afford and accomplish living with Taryn, be it in Illinois or Northern Virginia...and just pray.
if you all would pray for my heart, i would appreciate it. it's been taking a beating lately, self inflicted and otherwise, and it just needs a little respite and rest in God.
thank you.
i don't know exactly what this means. i don't know how to explain it because of that reason as well. i have missed writing so much. writing seems to be a cathartic exercise for me, as it is for so many. my thoughts are best sorted out when put into words, but i often forget and neglect giving my brain the exercise it needs.
i read the twilight series by stephanie meyer in the last 2 weeks. it is so rewarding to read 4 books, that are nearly 5-600 pages each, in such a brief time. i have missed reading for fun so much, and this series of books (though i didn't want to read them at all) have taught me alot about dedication, and not stopping for anything when you know something is right, whether or not it is scary or dangerous. i think it is a good example of being willing to protect those you love regardless of harm it may cause yourself. of course this is never the mindset we want those we love to have, because we want them to be safe, but we often realize this mindset in ourselves, i think. i have always been like that. i would much rather those i love be happy and safe than myself. occasionally this is a problem as i underestimate them and what they can take and try to protect them more than i ought. sometimes the opposite is also true. however, i don't think there is any harm in trying sometimes.
i loved reading twilight, not for the vampire and werewolf stories, the "fantasy" literature aspect...this is actually why i didn't want to read them. not my favorite. instead i fell in love with it because of the relationships. the strength of relationships. the willingness, as i said, to do anything for the ones you love. it mimicked my heart completely in some of those areas. it was a wonderful feeling to be "understood" by the characters, if you will. that maybe one of the purposes in my life that i sometimes feel alone in is not such rare thing after all.
it is so strange being a graduate here, now. so strange moving back into my house after 3 years of being gone. i know that i have lived at home every summer and winter, but it seems different. it is different. then i was more of a visitor, trying to fit in visits with all my friends. now, i have to figure out who of my friends still actually want to be my friends. i don't want to force friendships with people who really don't have too much of a place for me in their lives right now. so many of my friends are recently married, or have recently become engaged, or are working so much that i just don't want to interfere with their lives, or force myself on them, as i feel like i used to do. i miss it being easier. i miss people searching me out for once. i am so thankful for the very few that still do. it warms my heart to feel loved and wanted. it happens so infrequently here in my natural environment, that has become a slightly unknown place to me. i want so badly to get to know everyone again, as they are now, and for them to know me as i am now. i have only truly realized the extent of my 3 year transformations now that i am home and seeing myself from other people's eyes...seeing what they expect me to be and that i haven't changed too much in their vision since high school. i want them to being able to know my heart. i am so thankful for caron and cait and sarah who have really tried and made sure that they know me now. i'm thankful for tressa and jess who have never given up...who have known me all along, though i don't get to see them as much as i want to.
it is really hard to have the one person that knows you better than anyone else out of contact when you are feeling so unknown. i miss talking to her at night and being able to tell her frustrations and joys and not have her analyze those things from the me i used to be, but accept them from the me that i have grown into alongside her. it's nice to not have to explain things to the "nth" degree to be understood. and i miss that very much. i miss having a schedule, even if it is far between. once i find out when we will be able to talk occasionally...even if it's once or twice a week...it'll be better...because i know it is coming and i can count on it. at this point the silence just seems endless. one email for an entire week is leaving me a little thirsty for contact and assurance that she is safe in the land far away. however, the details included in such an email are so wonderful in helping to imagine her environment in my mind's eye. her life there. the fact that she is staying fed and getting enough sleep and has a place to check her email and shower and a friend to go to work with. all of these things steal away parts of my nervousness about it and replace it with a small sense of comfort, knowing that her indian family will take care of her.
questions still linger in my mind about sundays in india...working with lepers...the market...being able to call...all these things that i have yet to know about. i am waiting with bated breath to hear.
today is going to be a good day. today i am going to see so many old friends and hopefully start some reconnection. coffee with my tressa, who is always the encouragement. cookout at lana's with my bible study girls from years past. hopefully some prayer with them as well. and then hopefully a visit to la casa jessica. it has been a long time since i have spent time with these girls and i am praying for a reconnection that lasts, because i have felt so disconnected while i have been away. hazards of out of state school i suppose, but that doesn't make me like it anymore or less. also, finally andrew is home. i am intent on seeing him at several points this week as he will be spending much of his summer time down in carbondale at his school. i really miss him, his attitude, his demeanor, the way he carries himself, the way he sees the world. it is generally really refreshing for me to be around him and i really miss our friendship.
sorry for the long post. if you have made it this far, congratulations. this will not be the last of this genre of posts as i have so many free nights to myself, and therefore so much time to think.
today's goal: start to think about/plan a budget for my life. start to think about ways to afford and accomplish living with Taryn, be it in Illinois or Northern Virginia...and just pray.
if you all would pray for my heart, i would appreciate it. it's been taking a beating lately, self inflicted and otherwise, and it just needs a little respite and rest in God.
thank you.
Wednesday, May 27
....
i don't like leaving, whether it's me or someone else, and leaving from next to me, or leaving from far from me. i just don't like leaving.
back to work for 2 days. it's been better than i was expecting. the only thing making it a little less fun is the looming feeling of needing to fit many things into the few nighttime hours i have before taryn leaves for india. WHAT i am fitting in to those hours i have no idea at this point. as i said, looming.
in other news, i am going to visit for 8 days in july. those will be 8 days of heaven. i am so excited.
i am excited to hopefully reconnect with my friends from home a little more now that i am in a routine. i miss them.
i am also excited about my grad party this friday night. i haven't seen everyone for so long. it will be a wonderful delight to have them all here at the same time in a happy atmosphere. yay.
sorry the posts lately haven't been great. i'll get more lyric and poetic as time goes on. i promise i'll try.
back to work for 2 days. it's been better than i was expecting. the only thing making it a little less fun is the looming feeling of needing to fit many things into the few nighttime hours i have before taryn leaves for india. WHAT i am fitting in to those hours i have no idea at this point. as i said, looming.
in other news, i am going to visit for 8 days in july. those will be 8 days of heaven. i am so excited.
i am excited to hopefully reconnect with my friends from home a little more now that i am in a routine. i miss them.
i am also excited about my grad party this friday night. i haven't seen everyone for so long. it will be a wonderful delight to have them all here at the same time in a happy atmosphere. yay.
sorry the posts lately haven't been great. i'll get more lyric and poetic as time goes on. i promise i'll try.
Monday, May 18
Saturday, May 9
here it is
in a short half hour i will be leaving for my graduation from covenant college. i have been on the verge of tears for nearly 24 hours (at some points over the verge) and am having trouble keeping the excitement in perspective as i know soon after i will need to be leaving this place i have come to love, the people that are here, and my most important other half. i am trying to be optimistic...but i am having trouble.
we are going to go to pasha one last time. it is tradition, it is what we do. we made a special request for strawberry scones. i hate lasts. little sleep threatens to make this day harder than it should be, or we want it to be at least. the overcast weather outside reflects my mood as i am preparing to check out of my room for the last time and turn in my room key. how will it all get done? ahhh....
hopefully once i get home this will be easier without the immediate emotions of impending loss, but from recent experience, that does not always seem to be the case. i am going to miss being "we" so much. i am going to miss being a student. but mostly the unsurity of the future makes me miss all these things more.
we are going to go to pasha one last time. it is tradition, it is what we do. we made a special request for strawberry scones. i hate lasts. little sleep threatens to make this day harder than it should be, or we want it to be at least. the overcast weather outside reflects my mood as i am preparing to check out of my room for the last time and turn in my room key. how will it all get done? ahhh....
hopefully once i get home this will be easier without the immediate emotions of impending loss, but from recent experience, that does not always seem to be the case. i am going to miss being "we" so much. i am going to miss being a student. but mostly the unsurity of the future makes me miss all these things more.
Tuesday, May 5
reading
wow i forgot how nice it is to read. i've probably spent 2-2 1/2 hours reading in the last 2 days.
*sigh*
*sigh*
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