still

i feel still. my life feels still. not a contented or uncontented still. not stagnant. just still.

i don't know exactly what this means. i don't know how to explain it because of that reason as well. i have missed writing so much. writing seems to be a cathartic exercise for me, as it is for so many. my thoughts are best sorted out when put into words, but i often forget and neglect giving my brain the exercise it needs.

i read the twilight series by stephanie meyer in the last 2 weeks. it is so rewarding to read 4 books, that are nearly 5-600 pages each, in such a brief time. i have missed reading for fun so much, and this series of books (though i didn't want to read them at all) have taught me alot about dedication, and not stopping for anything when you know something is right, whether or not it is scary or dangerous. i think it is a good example of being willing to protect those you love regardless of harm it may cause yourself. of course this is never the mindset we want those we love to have, because we want them to be safe, but we often realize this mindset in ourselves, i think. i have always been like that. i would much rather those i love be happy and safe than myself. occasionally this is a problem as i underestimate them and what they can take and try to protect them more than i ought. sometimes the opposite is also true. however, i don't think there is any harm in trying sometimes.

i loved reading twilight, not for the vampire and werewolf stories, the "fantasy" literature aspect...this is actually why i didn't want to read them. not my favorite. instead i fell in love with it because of the relationships. the strength of relationships. the willingness, as i said, to do anything for the ones you love. it mimicked my heart completely in some of those areas. it was a wonderful feeling to be "understood" by the characters, if you will. that maybe one of the purposes in my life that i sometimes feel alone in is not such rare thing after all.

it is so strange being a graduate here, now. so strange moving back into my house after 3 years of being gone. i know that i have lived at home every summer and winter, but it seems different. it is different. then i was more of a visitor, trying to fit in visits with all my friends. now, i have to figure out who of my friends still actually want to be my friends. i don't want to force friendships with people who really don't have too much of a place for me in their lives right now. so many of my friends are recently married, or have recently become engaged, or are working so much that i just don't want to interfere with their lives, or force myself on them, as i feel like i used to do. i miss it being easier. i miss people searching me out for once. i am so thankful for the very few that still do. it warms my heart to feel loved and wanted. it happens so infrequently here in my natural environment, that has become a slightly unknown place to me. i want so badly to get to know everyone again, as they are now, and for them to know me as i am now. i have only truly realized the extent of my 3 year transformations now that i am home and seeing myself from other people's eyes...seeing what they expect me to be and that i haven't changed too much in their vision since high school. i want them to being able to know my heart. i am so thankful for caron and cait and sarah who have really tried and made sure that they know me now. i'm thankful for tressa and jess who have never given up...who have known me all along, though i don't get to see them as much as i want to.

it is really hard to have the one person that knows you better than anyone else out of contact when you are feeling so unknown. i miss talking to her at night and being able to tell her frustrations and joys and not have her analyze those things from the me i used to be, but accept them from the me that i have grown into alongside her. it's nice to not have to explain things to the "nth" degree to be understood. and i miss that very much. i miss having a schedule, even if it is far between. once i find out when we will be able to talk occasionally...even if it's once or twice a week...it'll be better...because i know it is coming and i can count on it. at this point the silence just seems endless. one email for an entire week is leaving me a little thirsty for contact and assurance that she is safe in the land far away. however, the details included in such an email are so wonderful in helping to imagine her environment in my mind's eye. her life there. the fact that she is staying fed and getting enough sleep and has a place to check her email and shower and a friend to go to work with. all of these things steal away parts of my nervousness about it and replace it with a small sense of comfort, knowing that her indian family will take care of her.

questions still linger in my mind about sundays in india...working with lepers...the market...being able to call...all these things that i have yet to know about. i am waiting with bated breath to hear.

today is going to be a good day. today i am going to see so many old friends and hopefully start some reconnection. coffee with my tressa, who is always the encouragement. cookout at lana's with my bible study girls from years past. hopefully some prayer with them as well. and then hopefully a visit to la casa jessica. it has been a long time since i have spent time with these girls and i am praying for a reconnection that lasts, because i have felt so disconnected while i have been away. hazards of out of state school i suppose, but that doesn't make me like it anymore or less. also, finally andrew is home. i am intent on seeing him at several points this week as he will be spending much of his summer time down in carbondale at his school. i really miss him, his attitude, his demeanor, the way he carries himself, the way he sees the world. it is generally really refreshing for me to be around him and i really miss our friendship.

sorry for the long post. if you have made it this far, congratulations. this will not be the last of this genre of posts as i have so many free nights to myself, and therefore so much time to think.

today's goal: start to think about/plan a budget for my life. start to think about ways to afford and accomplish living with Taryn, be it in Illinois or Northern Virginia...and just pray.

if you all would pray for my heart, i would appreciate it. it's been taking a beating lately, self inflicted and otherwise, and it just needs a little respite and rest in God.

thank you.