chickadee

new blog

2012-02-06T00:04:00.001-06:00

i forgot to update this blog with my new blog address when i switched long ago.
i think that was because at the time i really needed the anonymity and didn't want readers.
however, now that i have spent enough time by myself i welcome feedback and comments on what i write.
so, if you would like to see what i'm up to now, you can find me at joujouboo.wordpress.com.

i look forward to hearing from you. please comment there so i know if anyone actually reads it. <3

i miss you, little blog

2010-03-22T21:35:00.002-05:00

i suck at writing.

i always hated those "i am terrible at keeping up with my blog" blogs.

now i am one of them. bleck.

----------------------------

anyway, i have been going to the antioch group now for several weeks. the first couple of weeks i just sat in on business meetings and such, but the last couple i have gotten to sit in on/help with some pretty cool stuff. i am starting to get all excited all over again. i have been realizing just how much work has to be done as a therapist. not only do you have to be prepared to respond in many situations, to many types of people, but you also are continually working on yourself.

while i was at the group today the therapists were talking about countertransference. countertransference is a therapist's own repressed feelings in reaction to the emotions, experiences, or problems of a person undergoing treatment.
probably one of the most well known examples would be if a therapist starts to fall in love with a patient for qualities they possess. however, it can be so much simpler. some of the markers to look out for are things like dreading a session with a particular patient, looking forward too enthusiastically to a session, being consistently late or running consistently long with a particular patient (or wanting to "fix" a patient within one particular session), or thinking too much about a patient during personal time (i.e. showering, taking a walk or run, etc.). so as you can see, there are a lot of boundary issues that can arise in therapy. not all of these are bad things in themselves, but can be bad things in a therapeutic situation. i have come to realize that day in and out as a therapist you are continually analyzing yourself as you are analyzing others to make sure your heart and mind are in it the right way, not in a harmful way or a way that displays your current struggles.

it's going to be such hard work.

i love technology

2010-01-26T17:33:00.000-06:00

i have been using google reader lately. i love it. it's easy. it's breezy. it's convenient. everything i like to read, everyone i am trying to keep up with all in one easy to access location? yes please. the only problem with that however is i never remember to visit the good old blogger site. i'm not missing anything as far as reading goes, but i definitely haven't written in a blue moon (literally) and kind of miss the release.

i am ready for winter to be over. after one major fall on the ice and lots of hours spent on the couch/at the doctor, i am not too excited about getting back out in the weather.

in other news: i interviewed today for a volunteer internship thing at the antioch group. i am so excited about all the prospects it will bring into my life. experience, volunteer hours for grad school applications, talking to the director about all the options ahead of me for focuses and such in grad school...life plans...ah the interview was a wonderful refresher...the internship itself will be all the more better. he told me it was 85% sure...the last 15% being decided by his clearing it with his other 2 partners and just making sure i would mesh well with the other interns. you see, the intern positions they have at their practice are "summer-between-junior-and-senior-year-of-college," "need-hours-for-my-masters-degree." and "post-doctoral-fellowship-hours." no one who has already graduated college and is looking to be the best applicant they can be for grad school...so i would kind of be the odd one out, but truly...what else have i been in my life? i'm always that person that gets positions created for them and gets things made up for them. even now i am currently part of a 50 person team in the call center and i am having more trouble being part of the group. i guess i just like to be "special." to have something that no one else there has.

anyway, to put it mildly, i am beyond excited. it is the covenant college of counseling internship opportunities. heck, at the end of the interview the man prayed such a blessing over me i felt that there was no way on earth i wouldn't succeed in my field, and that counseling is definitely the gift that God has blessed me with, his clear choice for my future paths. i am excited to be taught again. to learn. to stay current. and to connect with people. because after all, that is what i am all about.

full life...full heart

2009-12-26T21:02:00.002-06:00

i have been facebooking all evening. it is the day after christmas. my brother is gone. my mother is sick. we have been lounging and watching tv most of the day. while on facebook tonight i was browsing through scores and scores of photos of friends from covenant. while browsing i became so inspired. pictures can paint a story. i want my story to be worth being told. i want to live a full life. i want to be loved for my quirks, for my differences. i want to be unique. i want to be content wherever i am, letting God drop into my lap what he wants me to have.

i want to start embracing life again. i want to feel like a high schooler. i want to revel in each day older i get. i want to be happy with myself. i want to be fulfilled in God.

thanksgiving

2009-11-26T12:25:00.003-06:00

thanksgiving snuck up on me this year. maybe it was the working full time and not having a break from college to look forward to. maybe it was the unusually warm, rainy fall that we've had. who knows. but last night (thanksgiving eve) i got that antsy feeling that i usually get on christmas eve. that feeling where something special will happen the next day. i love holidays and the nights before holidays.

this year i am so thankful to God for:
-a job, they're so scarce nowadays
-a cozy little apartment that i love to spend time in.
-a roommate that cares about me
-cough suppressants
-the changing of seasons
-babies (i get to babysit wednesday, i'm so excited!)
-the opportunity to reconnect with my friends again after a few years away
-coffee dates like in the old days
-discussions, encouragement, and analyzations
-sunday school
-mentors/examples
-grandparents
-parents
-a brother
-a degree
-savings
-christmas present shopping online
-music
-food in abundance
-a working car
-coffee
-heat
-clothes
-a dog

:)

screwtape

2009-11-11T23:01:00.002-06:00

"He will set them off with communications of His presence which, though faint, seem great to them, with emotional sweetness, and easy conquest over temptation. But He never allows this state of affairs to last long. Sooner or later He withdraws, if not in fact, at least from their conscious experience, all those supports and incentives. He leaves the creature to stand up on its own legs-to carry out from the will alone duties which have lost all relish. It is during such trough periods, much more than during the peak periods, that it is growing into the sort of creature He wants it to be. Hence the prayers offered in the state of dryness are those which please Him the best."

"He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there He is please even with their stumbles."

2009-11-01T17:41:00.002-06:00

i love relaxing sundays. today has been particularly nice. after church today we went home and made some lunch and finished up a movie we had started yesterday. then we each took naps, and not too short of naps either. it was so nice to not feel bad about napping. you know - when you feel like you have too many other things to do to waste time on a nap? but after the nap there was still time to pack up the ol' computers and head to starbucks for a "catch up on communication" time to write emails to friends far away. sitting in starbucks with coffee and still being able to see the beautiful fall sunset is definitely a relaxing thing. today is nice. after this we're off to youth group and then back to the apartment for the last little bit of sunday. :)

relaxation

2009-10-19T20:19:00.002-05:00

what an elusive concept to grasp.

i have not been feeling myself lately but finally yesterday things fell back into place. it was beautiful outside yesterday. just a nice autumn breeze, didn't really need a coat. woke up and made coffee and went to sunday school. i really like my sunday school class for probably the first time ever. there's nothing cheesy about it. there's no one in it that feels like they have to answer every question. everyone is there to encourage each other and help each other grow into a 'woman of excellence.' yesterday's lesson was surrender. learning how to live God's life instead of your own life. it was so poignant for me. everything resonated. i love it when church is like that. then we had church and caron and kate sang. that always touches my heart in a different way. i love hearing beautiful words coming in the form of a flowing, sometimes folky melody. it speaks to the musician in me.

not only that but some loose ends were able to be tied up. sometimes loose ends are loose ends and that's just how it has to stay. but when you look at those loose ends, realize you don't have to keep grasping for each separate piece, and give the whole bouquet of them to God to hold, you realize you have a pretty good lifeline to a protector and planner, lover, and comforter as he holds the frayed end of your rope. it was lovely to have my heart come around to that realization again. sometimes you just look up and all you can see is a rope disappearing into the sky...you don't see the hands on the other end.

today was nice. i had an unexpected work day. not only was i not supposed to have to go in today, but it was also supposed to be one of our busiest days of late. thank God it was slower than normal so i just got to relax and enjoy my job without stressing out. after work i came home to relax with taryn for a half hour before her class. when she left i went tanning (free tan coupon in the paper...yay!), stopped by a grocery store, got hot chocolate at starbucks, perused menards (for a cord for my rice cooker) and walmart (coming home with only a $3.97 wall clock) and after i was done browsing (also for spider killer...who knew?) i came home and did yoga. i'm proud of myself today. i did alot of things i have been wanting to do.

now i want to go to bed....
but wait...first comes dinner.

Romans 7:15-25

2009-10-17T20:10:00.002-05:00

¹⁵I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. ¹⁶And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. ¹⁷As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. ¹⁸I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.^a]">[a] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. ¹⁹For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. ²⁰Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

²¹So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. ²²For in my inner being I delight in God's law; ²³but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. ²⁴What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? ²⁵Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!

home again

2009-09-29T19:16:00.002-05:00

our little apartment finally feels like home. it was quite the morphing route to get here, but with the books in the bookshelves, the candles on the coffee table, and our bright red couch and mustard yellow chairs, our apartment is starting to have some spark, some personality, and a little touch of home. there is nothing better than coming home to a cozy little apartment that is arranged nicely. now i'm wondering how we are going to fit all the housewarming people in on saturday night. thankfully i threw out a large enough time window that hopefully they'll come in shifts.

it has been starting to feel like fall. the crispness in the air and the changing leaves always bring on a sort of melancholy for me. and not in a "man it's getting colder" way, because i actually love the cooler season. but i have kind of been preconditioned to dread the fall because that's when "school starts again" and when i would leave home for my little tiny dorm room in the sky. now that i'm not leaving however the melancholy is settling over me with no apparent reason whatsoever. i find myself wanting to stay in bed under the warm blankets rather than get up for work, and wanting to come home to my relaxing living room straight from work. a little lacking in the get-up-and-go department. i guess that means i'm nesting. i'm perfectly happy cleaning the counter tops and organizing new additions to our little nest. in fact, i'm ready to take on the world when the little apartment is clean. i can just sit here and my mind starts to feel creative. not too much has come of it yet, but i think that's a good sign.

pictures to come soon, along with detailed descriptions i'm sure. anyway, suffice it to say, i'm livin the dream. :)

one unhappy thought

2009-09-21T18:30:00.003-05:00

i hate it when people are passive aggressive.

that is probably my biggest pet peeve.

i also hate it when people THINK they are not being passive aggressive but they so are.

blah.

you know...if you don't like me...don't act like you do to my face and then say otherwise somewhere else. i'm fine with you not liking me. i just don't you LYING to me.

Micah 7:18-19

2009-09-14T12:30:00.000-05:00

Who is a God like you,
who pardons sin and forgives the transgression
of the remnant of his inheritance?
You do not stay angry forever
but delight to show mercy.

You will again have compassion on us;
you will tread our sins underfoot
and hurt all our iniquities into the depths of the sea.

happy thought #3

2009-09-07T21:39:00.002-05:00

water is my happy thought #3. i am in love with water. drinking it. looking at it. being on it floating around. especially looking at it from a height or being so far in the middle of it that you can't see land anywhere. today taryn and i had the day off so we slept in, got a picnic together and got coffee and took it to my favorite place in peoria: grandview drive. i never tire of sitting on grandview taking a look down at the beauty of the illinois river (and believe me...the illinois river is only really beautiful from a distance...haha...not so clean)

we had such a nice, sunshiny, relaxing time just laying on a blanket and reading and watching people walk around and enjoying their own labor day picnics.

i love having a partner in crime to revel in the little joys of everyday life with. it makes things so much more enjoyable. this will be a year of transformation.

happy thought #2

2009-09-05T22:54:00.002-05:00

hometown festivals - #2. there have been several hometown festivals since i have come home from school - all of which i've missed in the past few years. today was the italian fest...one of my all time favorites. the joys today ranged from bovine bingo (you win $75 if the cow poops in your square), to the rapido pomadoro (tomato chucking contest), bocce ball tournaments, and more. my brother's barbershop quartet sang as the main entertainment during lunch and they performed above and beyond what i've heard. they were incredible. plus with the tractors pulling trolleys of people back and forth and the italian food in the tummy with the sun on my back and the wind on my face...it made for an ultra relaxing and enjoyable day. yay for fall.

happy thought #1

2009-09-04T22:33:00.003-05:00

i'm taking a cue from kyrie howard and starting to post blogs as often as possible about something positive. there are so many things in life to be thankful for yet we so often get bogged down in the depressing or dissapointing things. i have been struggling with this for most of the summer and i am realizing that unless i am thinking positive and finding the small blessings in life, it is easy for me to struggle with depression. depression is something i have struggled with before, for several years towards the end of high school and beginning of college and i just don't want to get to that point again. so i am following kyrie's lead (yes i am in fact copying her) and reminding myself daily of the many facets of God's blessings. so thanks, kyrie, for the reminder and nudge.

today: the open sky
living on such a remote campus on top of a mountain you would think would would have skies stretching miles on any side...which we did. but nothing truly compares to the country sky. every time i am standing in my parents' front yard or driving along route 8 or using the backroads to go...well....anywhere...i am overcome with a peaceful feeling. nothing speaks to me more of God's might and abounding provision that the ever-stretching sky.

grown up.

2009-08-19T17:03:00.002-05:00

my life has been feeling so adultish lately.

all the number crunching and buying things that i don't want to buy and signing up for things i didn't know existed...along with getting new clothes for work and a new haircut has made me feel transformed. it's so nice to have a cute little apartment of my own, but i'm getting very tired of spending evenings there alone.

tomorrow all that will change. my best friend is currently traveling through the 3rd state in her journey of transitioning to midwestern life. i've never been more excited or more nervous. what if she doesn't like it. what if she gets bored? what if, what if, what if? but then i remember the times we've had at school and at each others homes and i know that it will be better than anything ever has been.

this will be such a good yet stressful time of life. stressful because of the bills and loans to pay and the small income, but good because i know we will grow so much, together, separately, and just into adulthood. i'm beyond elated that we get to make this transition together. i am excited to see her unfold into a more and more relaxed version of herself as i'm sure she's excited to see in me.

a nervous excitement....

it's filling me. :)

address

2009-08-04T21:08:00.002-05:00

friends,

romans,

countrymen,

lend me your ears. :)

i am moving to a new location.

message me for the new address.

reflection

2009-08-02T22:10:00.002-05:00

"love. dedication. trust.
these are things longed and sought for, at least by me. i want someone to completely 'get' me. like in grey's anatomy, i want 'a person.' a person with the same values. not the same goals necessarily, but someone going down the same path. with the same commitment to the relationship."

i wrote this back in 2006. it is always truly amazing to me to look back and see where i was at certain points in my life. i never was a really steady journal keeper, so my records are very thin. looking back i'm amazed at how incomplete i felt most of the time. i was always looking for another half. i would pray and pray and pray for someone to be my partner in crime. i would read about jonathan and david, i would ask God for someone to help move me along in my spiritual journey, someone to encourage me and be my accountability.

only when i look back at my journals from that time do i realize how completely hopeless i was about the whole thing. how much i didn't believe it would ever happen. how i had resigned myself to aloneness and to the individual life.

God has blessed me so much in this area. i carried on alone for so long, and finally had come to terms with being alone when he brought me the greatest gift i could ask for. i suppose that's how it always works. God brings us to a point of contentment with a particular situation that may or may not be comfortable, and then he blesses us beyond our understanding.

thank you God for bringing me that encouragement, and thank you Taryn for unceasingly pursuing a truer and truer friendship with me. thank you for the late nights discussing until things are ironed out, for the discussions about controversial points, for the convincing where i need it, and for listening to me when you need it. thank you for the give AND the take. thank you for lifting my heart up in prayer. thank you for making this the most God-centered friendship i have ever had. and thank you for being commited to making sure it stays that way. i love you forever.

a heart like his

2009-07-27T17:59:00.002-05:00

an excerpt from Beth Moore's study on David:

"Little should frighten us more than realizing the Holy Spirit's conviction has grown so faint we hardly sense it. We are dangerously far away when we can sin with little conviction."

"There is never a day in any man's life but that he is dependent upon the grace of God for power and the blood of Jesus for cleansing." (The Making of a Man of God by Alan Redpath)

skyping = good for the soul

2009-07-25T17:02:00.003-05:00

today has been such a lovely day. i have been reminded of the necessity of accountability. taryn and i start this bible study called "a heart like his" by beth moore quite a long while ago. i did it summer after my sophomore year and remembered it being very good and i wanted her to be able to see what i had learned from that study as well so we decided to start it. it turned out to be an amazing blessing to both of us in ways we didn't know it ever would be.

starting out we learned about jonathan and david's relationship. it made such a difference in how we viewed our friendship. my internet has been out for 7 weeks so today i took a trip into kade's coffee to study for my GRE and to do bible study over skype with taryn.

i figured out this whole screen shot thing...kind of in love with it. anyway here is taryn working away on the bible study today as we were learning about david's prideful downfall. he was so comfortable in his position, so far "above" all the rest of his surroundings, so alone that he had no accountability...no one willing to step up and tell him he was doing wrong even though he may hate them. there were two quotes in the study that struck a chord with both taryn and i. one was "i want people in my life who love me enough to offend me if necessary and help me not to fall" and the other was "all rebellion begins in isolation." both are just so true.

anyway just had to share. i forgot how lovely it is to do actual bible studies every day and not just read scripture. i am excited to get back into this.

2009-07-24T20:02:00.003-05:00

life has been moving along at quite the fast pace. i feel like a completely different person than 2 months ago when i graduated, but at the same time, completely the same. i feel as though my life is soon going to feel much rounder. so many things in my life are on the verge of being real, but they are still unstable and unsure and i am nervous to talk about them in too much detail until they ARE real. that said, i have been spending far too much time away from home (where there is still no internet after a 7 week hiatus) and researching...apartments, car insurance, renter's insurance, furniture, internet....etc. etc. etc. i will be glad when things are signed and decisions are made and it is no longer a "well i think this is going to happen and i really want it to and it just seems right but i don't really know...." sort of situation.

things i am excited for:
getting a job
renting an apartment
living with my best friend
getting to decorate our own living space
getting to have people over whenever we want
stocking the kitchen
getting benefits
having a routine again
volunteering
getting more involved in the kids lives at church
making a difference
fulfilling God's call for my life
finally feeling like my passions will make a difference
being graduated
reading

apartment hunting is hard

2009-07-21T21:24:00.001-05:00

i haven't been at this that long, but i have had several appointments, and many uneasy feelings. it's harder than going to school where they just give you a dorm room and you have to take it no matter what. i have finally found one or two that i think would be appropriate...one i like quite a bit. now it just comes down to waiting on the job then deciding. yay!

so strange....weird point in life...i'm ready to get my move on and have a new adventure but at the same time feeling a little bit strange knowing that i may or may not ever move back into my childhood home, the only home i've known these 22 years.

i'm excited...but nervous....but mostly feeling blessed.

bumbling

2009-07-14T18:29:00.002-05:00

i have felt like a bumbling idiot. i have felt like a grouch. i have felt like a sinner, a whiner, and no one worthy of love. it has been a rough month for me and to say the least i haven't handled it in the most superb fashion. i am good at masking things when i want them hidden, but usually i let people know i'm upset, but not that i'm feeling upset at myself at times. this is how it always happens. i get upset about an actual event/occurance, but it slowly evolves into a dislike of myself so strong that i'm pissed that i let myself get upset in the first place, or at least hold on to it that long.

it is hard to blog when you are not particularly pleased with yourself...or at least blog honestly. i could talk about the summer, about the beauties of iced coffee and strawberries, of times spent with friends, but underneath there is somehow an untrue and unhappy current to it all...because i am unpleased with myself.

why? i don't know.

something to think about i suppose...however the more i think about it, the more and more confused i get. i wish a psych person would analyze me. i don't want to go to a counselor. now that i'm not in school that actually costs alot of money. but i see the benefit of an outside perspective.

someone want to help?

renew

2009-06-27T14:31:00.002-05:00

i forget so often how therapeutic words can be. i miss putting my thoughts on paper. i think and overthink nearly everything, and writing all the thoughts down helps to curb that nasty habit a little bit and make me quit brooding a little.

i am housesitting this week. my old babysitting family the kallinas called and asked if i might be interested in watching their house for 2 weeks while they went on vacation. i immediately said yes, even though i will be gone the second week visiting my dearest friend. however, they assured me that one week was good enough for them and i got the keys and instructions for pet care.

last night i moved in. my parents left for their 30th anniversary vacation, and i moved out, giving my brother and i each the week of space we probably need, not that we see that much of each other as it is. the house is beautiful. granite kitchen countertops, beautiful tiled floor, impeccable cleanliness and decorating taste...it's beautiful. it's one of those houses you just KNOW has to be a "model house" for a home show or something. it's that beautiful. they have a lovely back patio and a pool. it's like my dream house. and i get to live here for a week. my heart feels so nice and light. it's nice to be secluded for a little bit, to get some space, to pamper myself. it's been a long time. when you move back in with your family there not alot of time for pampering. there's always alot to do, or to think about doing at least.

i read a verse this morning during breakfast (yes i had time and ingredients to make a REAL breakfast...fantastic) that really pushed my heart further along the "peaceful and light" continuum.

2 Corinthians 4:6 -
"For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ."

doesn't that just make you happy? God put his light in our hearts so that we could KNOW His glory. i love it. so much. corinthians has become the life saver inner tube device of my stormy ocean of post-graduation summer.

mmmm i'm so excited about these next two weeks. one week of solitude, and then one tremendous week of restoration.

beautiful.

life as i knew it.

2009-06-14T17:30:00.002-05:00

as the birds sit tweeting away from beyond the screen in our window, i sit at our kitchen table. there is a constant state of activity that i am not used to here. i am not used to the "family life" and the continual commentary of people in my life. i know that i am going to miss my covenant life. as it became the norm, so it also became the past. i am in a state of transition, that just seems so permanent. i am ready for the next thing. ready for more permanence. ready for the job, the apartment...you know...the beginning of the next stage, with all it's hardships and struggles, but also with all it's beauty.

still

2009-06-06T10:39:00.002-05:00

i feel still. my life feels still. not a contented or uncontented still. not stagnant. just still.

i don't know exactly what this means. i don't know how to explain it because of that reason as well. i have missed writing so much. writing seems to be a cathartic exercise for me, as it is for so many. my thoughts are best sorted out when put into words, but i often forget and neglect giving my brain the exercise it needs.

i read the twilight series by stephanie meyer in the last 2 weeks. it is so rewarding to read 4 books, that are nearly 5-600 pages each, in such a brief time. i have missed reading for fun so much, and this series of books (though i didn't want to read them at all) have taught me alot about dedication, and not stopping for anything when you know something is right, whether or not it is scary or dangerous. i think it is a good example of being willing to protect those you love regardless of harm it may cause yourself. of course this is never the mindset we want those we love to have, because we want them to be safe, but we often realize this mindset in ourselves, i think. i have always been like that. i would much rather those i love be happy and safe than myself. occasionally this is a problem as i underestimate them and what they can take and try to protect them more than i ought. sometimes the opposite is also true. however, i don't think there is any harm in trying sometimes.

i loved reading twilight, not for the vampire and werewolf stories, the "fantasy" literature aspect...this is actually why i didn't want to read them. not my favorite. instead i fell in love with it because of the relationships. the strength of relationships. the willingness, as i said, to do anything for the ones you love. it mimicked my heart completely in some of those areas. it was a wonderful feeling to be "understood" by the characters, if you will. that maybe one of the purposes in my life that i sometimes feel alone in is not such rare thing after all.

it is so strange being a graduate here, now. so strange moving back into my house after 3 years of being gone. i know that i have lived at home every summer and winter, but it seems different. it is different. then i was more of a visitor, trying to fit in visits with all my friends. now, i have to figure out who of my friends still actually want to be my friends. i don't want to force friendships with people who really don't have too much of a place for me in their lives right now. so many of my friends are recently married, or have recently become engaged, or are working so much that i just don't want to interfere with their lives, or force myself on them, as i feel like i used to do. i miss it being easier. i miss people searching me out for once. i am so thankful for the very few that still do. it warms my heart to feel loved and wanted. it happens so infrequently here in my natural environment, that has become a slightly unknown place to me. i want so badly to get to know everyone again, as they are now, and for them to know me as i am now. i have only truly realized the extent of my 3 year transformations now that i am home and seeing myself from other people's eyes...seeing what they expect me to be and that i haven't changed too much in their vision since high school. i want them to being able to know my heart. i am so thankful for caron and cait and sarah who have really tried and made sure that they know me now. i'm thankful for tressa and jess who have never given up...who have known me all along, though i don't get to see them as much as i want to.

it is really hard to have the one person that knows you better than anyone else out of contact when you are feeling so unknown. i miss talking to her at night and being able to tell her frustrations and joys and not have her analyze those things from the me i used to be, but accept them from the me that i have grown into alongside her. it's nice to not have to explain things to the "nth" degree to be understood. and i miss that very much. i miss having a schedule, even if it is far between. once i find out when we will be able to talk occasionally...even if it's once or twice a week...it'll be better...because i know it is coming and i can count on it. at this point the silence just seems endless. one email for an entire week is leaving me a little thirsty for contact and assurance that she is safe in the land far away. however, the details included in such an email are so wonderful in helping to imagine her environment in my mind's eye. her life there. the fact that she is staying fed and getting enough sleep and has a place to check her email and shower and a friend to go to work with. all of these things steal away parts of my nervousness about it and replace it with a small sense of comfort, knowing that her indian family will take care of her.

questions still linger in my mind about sundays in india...working with lepers...the market...being able to call...all these things that i have yet to know about. i am waiting with bated breath to hear.

today is going to be a good day. today i am going to see so many old friends and hopefully start some reconnection. coffee with my tressa, who is always the encouragement. cookout at lana's with my bible study girls from years past. hopefully some prayer with them as well. and then hopefully a visit to la casa jessica. it has been a long time since i have spent time with these girls and i am praying for a reconnection that lasts, because i have felt so disconnected while i have been away. hazards of out of state school i suppose, but that doesn't make me like it anymore or less. also, finally andrew is home. i am intent on seeing him at several points this week as he will be spending much of his summer time down in carbondale at his school. i really miss him, his attitude, his demeanor, the way he carries himself, the way he sees the world. it is generally really refreshing for me to be around him and i really miss our friendship.

sorry for the long post. if you have made it this far, congratulations. this will not be the last of this genre of posts as i have so many free nights to myself, and therefore so much time to think.

today's goal: start to think about/plan a budget for my life. start to think about ways to afford and accomplish living with Taryn, be it in Illinois or Northern Virginia...and just pray.

if you all would pray for my heart, i would appreciate it. it's been taking a beating lately, self inflicted and otherwise, and it just needs a little respite and rest in God.

thank you.

....

2009-05-27T22:23:00.002-05:00

i don't like leaving, whether it's me or someone else, and leaving from next to me, or leaving from far from me. i just don't like leaving.

back to work for 2 days. it's been better than i was expecting. the only thing making it a little less fun is the looming feeling of needing to fit many things into the few nighttime hours i have before taryn leaves for india. WHAT i am fitting in to those hours i have no idea at this point. as i said, looming.

in other news, i am going to visit for 8 days in july. those will be 8 days of heaven. i am so excited.

i am excited to hopefully reconnect with my friends from home a little more now that i am in a routine. i miss them.

i am also excited about my grad party this friday night. i haven't seen everyone for so long. it will be a wonderful delight to have them all here at the same time in a happy atmosphere. yay.

sorry the posts lately haven't been great. i'll get more lyric and poetic as time goes on. i promise i'll try.

i miss her

2009-05-18T00:37:00.011-05:00

here it is

2009-05-09T06:45:00.003-05:00

in a short half hour i will be leaving for my graduation from covenant college. i have been on the verge of tears for nearly 24 hours (at some points over the verge) and am having trouble keeping the excitement in perspective as i know soon after i will need to be leaving this place i have come to love, the people that are here, and my most important other half. i am trying to be optimistic...but i am having trouble.

we are going to go to pasha one last time. it is tradition, it is what we do. we made a special request for strawberry scones. i hate lasts. little sleep threatens to make this day harder than it should be, or we want it to be at least. the overcast weather outside reflects my mood as i am preparing to check out of my room for the last time and turn in my room key. how will it all get done? ahhh....

hopefully once i get home this will be easier without the immediate emotions of impending loss, but from recent experience, that does not always seem to be the case. i am going to miss being "we" so much. i am going to miss being a student. but mostly the unsurity of the future makes me miss all these things more.

reading

2009-05-05T21:37:00.000-05:00

wow i forgot how nice it is to read. i've probably spent 2-2 1/2 hours reading in the last 2 days.

*sigh*

snap

2009-05-04T00:13:00.002-05:00

tomorrow is my one and only final and i just cannot get my act together. i always thought i had senioritis every other semester of college when the last third of the semester rolled around, but i realize now that senioritis as an actual senior is far worse than any other feeling resembling senioritis during any other year could possibly be. at this exact moment i wouldn't even care if i failed my test, even though deep down i do care and that has been the only thing that has made me study the 3 hours i have, rather than the many more that i should have. looks like an early morning for me.

also, last night i had a very depressing realization that i only have one of each weekday left to enjoy before i leave. this was my last sunday in chattanooga at new city fellowship. i rather enjoyed the music with michael, david and mary singing along with james ward however. they are about my most favorite worship team. michelle gave her ever impressive announcements, also, which made me feel very happy. and randy nabors was his reliable self, preaching with many hilarious side comments to make the sermon relatable. all in all, it was a very good last week at new city. i will definitely miss it.

i am not looking forward to the evening hours of may 9th that are quickly approaching. i will not be in either of my own beds, as i will have recently departed the one in my dorm and will not quite have made it home to my big ol' comfy bed at home, and will be without my friend to be cozy at night with and have morning coffee with.

i am going to miss so many things about being here that i'm not really wanting to think about the future, trying to focus on exciting summer/fall plans rather than the inevitable take-off time that always rolls around. every year i have looked forward to it with increasing anticipation, booking it out of carter circle as soon as the car was packed to it's limit. i've always left within about 12 hours of my last final, not wanting to spend more time at covenant than necessary. as it is always prone to happen, the last year is the best, making me not want to leave at all, let alone immediately.

on the flip-side...
things i AM excited about for summer:

perhaps restarting my summer bible study tradition with my high school friends
babysitting a precious little goddard child when i'm in need of baby fixes
an income
sunshine
wildflowers
campustown SB
becoming a regular at leaves n' beans (their viennese roast is to die for)
craft projects
getting daily emails from india
hearing all the goings on and preparations of my friends who still have to go back to school and realizing i can just visit now on my own time
straightening out the rules of adulthood: taxes, insurance, student loan repayment, rent, etc.
making a plan for fall
having a car with a rearview mirror to hang my first OFFICIAL graduation tassle on
feeling the sense of accomplishment when i realize that i'm DONE with my undergrad, even tho the next phase is hazy
thinking about grad school
reading ALOT
spending less money, learning to budget, etc.
reconnecting
loving from a distance for a new flavor and phase of a friendship (i really think all good friendships should go through this phase)
trusting in the LORD

so that's my little list that i can come up with right now. i probably should look over my study materials one more time before bed so that i can wake up early to hopefully pack it into my little tired brain for one last go around. come lunch tomorrow, however, i'll be done with college!

*sigh* ohh the relief.

the endtimes

2009-04-29T14:15:00.002-05:00

college is drawing to a close. yesterday was the last day of classes and it was an unbelievable feeling. not unbelievably good or bad...just unbelievable. it has been so long in coming, but so quickly approached at the same time.

i got an email from my employer offering me a full-time job. the problem is that i don't want to work in a bank for any significant period of time. i told her that by the time they got done training me i'd be wanting to look for a job in my field.

then i read the qualifications and rules for repaying my student loans and i regretted it slightly.

the future is so hazy. it's so strange when you are completely sure of what you want, and just not sure how to get there.

i'm not ready to leave the mountain. i'm not ready to leave my built in bathroom that is so handy in ex-hotel dorms. i'm not ready to live without my friends. i'm not ready to not be learning everyday from brilliant professors, no matter how hard the class may be. i'm not ready to start paying and repaying.

just not ready.

new blog

2009-04-27T10:46:00.001-05:00

coming soon

rainy days

2009-03-28T12:59:00.002-05:00

the past few days have been strange on lookout mountain. the weather has been dreary, raining for most of the morning and early afternoon, and only really stopping in the late afternoon, though the fog persists.

driving down the mountain to the haven of our favorite turkish coffee house, i notice the colors. spring is beginning to show through the drear with purple and white flowers on trees, tulips and daffodils blossoming by the side of the road.

however, on these rainy days the residue of fall is more apparent than ever. once bright, colorful leaves form a drab and stifling carpet on the floor of the woods, challenging the wildflowers of spring to try and push through them. the rain weights them down, making it harder to imagine spring. however, i know that soon it will stop raining, and the air will blow through those leaves again, making them dry and light enough to blow away, sharing the upcoming elements with the living plants, rather than the dead cast offs of last fall's glory.

i like this stage. especially at about 6:25 pm. especially on a friday. it's so calming. the week of work is behind, the weekend is ahead, and the possibilities are limitless. everyone is empowered to make a difference in their world, to make a change to the ho-hum of their everyday routines. it is rejuvinating. i feel alive.

liquid velvet

2009-03-19T16:30:00.003-05:00

mmmmmmmmmm vanilla breve latte. my comfort drink. unfortunately, when i am stressed, this is where i turn. to this beautiful warm, smooth, soothing drink. i have so so so so much on my plate right now. i have a test tomorrow (which i'm not super worried about, but that shouldn't stop be from preparing - as it tends to do). my SIP presentation is on april 1, which you may or may not realize is only two short weeks from yesterday. i don't even have a good thorough outline yet. i need to kick it into gear soon. taking 20 credits with your senior dissertation...? yep. not a great idea.

however, things have been better lately. the sun has been out. winter is taking it's leave and spring is beginning to make it's arrival. there's so many little green things. this transformation seemingly happened overnight while i was home for break. i left and it was dreary. i came back and felt a breath of life again. i love spring. the seasons really affect me more than i want them to and i just breathe easier when it's springtime and you can feel the wind in your hair. driving with music up and windows down makes everything else fade away for just a little while. this is the time of year when i am especially mindful of God's handiwork and ... just ... protection over us. i love feeling protected.

i can't wait until april 18th. school will still be crazy, but my SIP will be turned in and i will be able to enjoy the season a little bit more. enjoy the last stretch to graduation. pray for me. please. please. i am feeling so incompetant right now. God will have to carry me, because only He knows that i can't pull this all myself. so far i've just been ignoring so that i don't have to face all the reality of everything i have to do and just try to take it one step at a time. however, that is not working. ahhhh...

it'll be ok.

remember this guy?

2009-03-02T00:00:00.000-06:00

yep.

drear

2009-02-25T16:23:00.002-06:00

there is an incessant smattering of raindrop that breaks through the cloudy, overcastness that is today. not enough to wear a rain jacket. too much to feel comfortable carrying around your laptop without a case (which in my case in inevitable, due to throwing the case in frustration last night and losing it in the process). tension is high. stress is high. pressure is high.

i am so glad that break is coming up soon. i just need to get away. from the norms, from this place, from the in and out of everyday school life. my brain needs a break. my heart needs a break. my spirit needs a break.

i want a masseuse for my birthday.

STEAK

2009-02-19T18:07:00.003-06:00

imagine the title sad in a "tim, the tool man, taylor" sort of voice. some girls on the hall won a steak dinner for all of us by winning a relay thing, and tonight we had a hall dinner with a guys' hall and had catered steak, baked potatoes, green beans, rolls...basically amazingness. i forgot how good it was to eat real meat and real vegetables where all the nutrients weren't already sucked out of them, and baked potatoes where the skins weren't like 2 inches thick. it was a beautiful thing.

also: stealing 3 steaks and some green beans from the great hall = not as hard as you would think.

ch-ch-ch-changes

2009-02-14T20:36:00.001-06:00

at the beginning of the semester i got all geared up to visit my favorite coffee shop, mocha joe's, only to find out that it had been sold and was "closed for renovations." it was tragic. this was the coffee house i had written about several times before, with the tangerine walls and the mismatched chairs, mirrors like wallpaper all over the walls.

last week we decided to stop by to see if there was any information about when it was going to be open or what it was going to open as, but it was already open. we walked in to the same room, now designated "Pasha's." (which is a Turkish authority apparently) it is very nice. the walls are a light brownish-grey. the local art adorns the walls with a certain ambiguous charm. the furniture is no longer mismatched, but still is kind of rustic mixed with class.

however, the music choices are better, the coffee is better, the employees are better…so i really can’t complain. i like it here. i anticipate spending many hours here in the future.

last thursday i came down to escape the mountain, needing some alone time to study. i sat here for several hours, and accomplished some, but not much. there was a man here who was just far too interesting to ignore, and i found myself caught up in his reunions more than once, as he had just moved back into town after a good 5 years away. he spoke of old times, times when he knew the people and they knew him. he spoke of the reason he moved away, his brother’s attempted suicide, and discussed the methods that he used, the struggle of committing a family member to a mental health institution, and the internal turmoil of his parents because of this drama.

it was sad, but the way he spoke about it made me more sad. it didn’t affect him. he knew how much it affected his parents, but he said in his tone and his words that this was just a situation to him…not really his situation. it was a very interesting day.

i just like this place.

sweet time

2009-02-08T22:27:00.003-06:00

for the first time this year the air smells like spring. country music fills the starbucks as we sit in a pleasant little suburb of the country music capital of the world. my spirit is still. as i become engrossed in people watching, considering the decline of the youth of America, she smiles at me, knowing full-well what i am doing i am sure, and showing her contentment with this peaceful moment we have, between bouts with streaming traffic and indecision.

one heartbeat.

one pulse.

the leaves on the trees remind me of all the times my brother and i watched thumbelina.

last night: owls, cranberry juice, the roaring 20s and safari hats will always remind me of last night. i always feel like i am entering a different world. a world where lives are lived so very differently than my own . where not only interests, but in fact all livelihood rests in music. miss jill he called me. he reminds me of her. i like him. i like that everyone in his world respects him, feels indebted to him. i love that he is so passionate about what he does because i see that in her too. i love seeing how much they both love music, but the ways they are different in loving it. i just love observing siblings. i miss mine.

yawn

2009-02-02T21:02:00.004-06:00

i didn't realize how long it had been since i had written anything. almost a month. a lot has happened over this past month. it's taken a while to get used to school again, to the school atmosphere. living on a hall, being with my friends, studying, going to classes, having responsibilities...all things i have to get used to again. it couldn't have come too soon though. i was so ready to be back to my life, back to my habits and routines and the people that know the "school" me, which is of course the most current me.

i haven't posted for so long because i've been rather indecisive about my mood lately. it could be weather related, could be stress related...but i just can't seem to be happy or sad. i wish i would just pick one. i'm not quite happy enough to only be happy but i'm definitely not sad enough to just be sad...so yeah. i feel like i just need a break. an adventure. a deviation from the routine.

thankfully, we're going to murfreesboro this weekend. new people, new places, new music...it should be a good mental break from tradition.

i'm just exhausted. i want my dog.

titus

2009-01-18T14:06:00.005-06:00

yesterday we finished up 2 kings, and with a beth moore study coming in the mail we had to pick something shorter that wouldn't take more than a few days to read in it's entirety. after a brief flip through, we decided on titus.

i haven't read the new testament in a while. titus contains a description of what an elder should be. whenever i read things like this i always compare it to my dad, because he was an elder for such a long time. i don't remember reading this passage before and paying attention, but i think it describes my dad completely.

vs. 6-9 - "and elder must be blameless, the husband of but one wife, a man whose children believe and are not open to the charge of being wild and disobedient. since an overseer is entrusted with God's work, he must be blameless - not overbearing, not quick-tempered, not given to drunkenness, not violent, not pursuing dishonest gain. rather he must be hospitable, one who loves what is good, who is self-controlled, upright, holy and disciplined. he must hold firmly to the trustworthy message as it has been taught, so that he can encourage others by sound doctrine and refute those who oppose it."

this describes my dad perfectly to me. especially the last part. if nothing else, he holds firmly to the message as it has been taught, in order to encourage others and refute those who oppose it by his sound doctrine. all i know him as is stable, firm, and steadfast in his beliefs and his love of God.

also in vs. 15-16 - "to the pure, all things are pure, but to those who are corrupted and do not believe, nothing is pure. in fact, both their minds and consciences are corrupted. they claim to know God, but by their actions they deny him. they are detestable, disobedient and unfit for doing anything good."

this passage kind of confused me. "to the pure, all things are pure." what does this mean exactly? from looking at the rest of the verse i am wondering if it means that the motives of the pure are always pure, but the motives of those who do not believe are never pure, because their minds are corrupted. they are oxymoronical in their lifestyle (between their words and their actions) and therefor they are unfit for doing anything good. i don't know...thoughts?

2009-01-15T13:55:00.004-06:00

Here's the rule: Bold the things you've done & post on your blog!

1. Started your own blog

2. Slept under the stars

3. Played in a band

4. Visited Hawaii

5. Watched a meteor shower

6. Given more than you can afford to charity

7. Been to Disneyland

8. Climbed a mountain

9. Held a praying mantis

10. Sang a solo

11. Bungee jumped

12. Visited Paris

13. Watched a lightning storm at sea

14. Taught yourself an art from scratch

15. Adopted a child

16. Had food poisoning

17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty

18. Grown your own vegetables

19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France

20. Slept on an overnight train

21. Had a pillow fight

22. Hitch hiked

23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill

24. Built a snow fort

25. Held a lamb

26. Gone skinny dipping

27. Run a Marathon

28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice

29. Seen a total eclipse

30. Watched a sunrise or sunset

31. Hit a home run

32. Been on a cruise

33. Seen Niagara Falls in person

34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors

35. Seen an Amish community

36. Taught yourself a new language

37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied

38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person

39. Gone rock climbing

40. Seen Michelangelo’s David

41. Sung karaoke

42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt

43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant

44. Visited Africa

45. Walked on a beach by moonlight

46. Been transported in an ambulance

47. Had your portrait painted

48. Gone deep sea fishing

49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person

50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris

51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling

52. Kissed in the rain

53. Played in the mud

54. Gone to a drive-in theater

55. Been in a movie

56. Visited the Great Wall of China

57. Started a business

58. Taken a martial arts class

59. Visited Russia

60. Served at a soup kitchen

61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies

62. Gone whale watching

63. Got flowers for no reason

64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma.

65. Gone sky diving

66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp

67. Bounced a check

68. Flown in a helicopter

69. Saved a favorite childhood toy

70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial

71. Eaten Caviar

72. Pieced a quilt

73. Stood in Times Square

74. Toured the Everglades

75. Been fired from a job

76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London

77. Broken a bone

78. Been on a speeding motorcycle

79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person

80. Published a book

81. Visited the Vatican

82. Bought a brand new car

83. Walked in Jerusalem

84. Had your picture in the newspaper

85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year's Eve

86. Visited the White House

87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating

88. Had chickenpox

89. Saved someone’s life

90. Sat on a jury

91. Met someone famous

92. Joined a book club

93. Lost a loved one

94. Had a baby

95. Seen the Alamo in person

96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake

97. Been involved in a law suit

98. Owned a cell phone

99. Been stung by a bee

100. Been to the Taj Mahal

back together again

2009-01-12T19:53:00.000-06:00

it feels oh so good.

2009-01-08T23:28:00.003-06:00

imagine this:

one midsummer day, walking down a grassy dirt lane, you see a doorway cut in a fence row surrounding tall trees that look like a shelter. as you walk toward it you notice a clearing in the middle, with a stone firepit and tall weeds, as if this place has not been visited for years. it's a small area. enough for a tent or two and some running around. smaller than the size of a house. as you crest the little rise of land you look down and see a pond. your feet sink into the soft, squishy earth the closer you get to it. covered in moss, the pond looks deserted of fish. there is a stillness about it. a lone duck house is planted firmly in the middle of the pond, but cobwebs shimmer from a distance, showing that it lacks inhabitants. everything feels heavy: the muggy nature of the air, the threatening clouds approaching from the north, the mosquitos buzzing around your ears, frogs croaking intermittantly.

this is how i feel.

speechless

2009-01-04T01:19:00.000-06:00

i want to blog.

i don't feel like thinking of words.

i don't feel like constructing sentences.

it will wait for later.

relief.

2008-12-28T17:35:00.001-06:00

skype = new love-of-my-life

i miss this face

2008-12-25T22:45:00.001-06:00

essay of a friend - part one

2008-12-25T22:15:00.007-06:00

i am beginning a new series of blogging, entitled "essay of a friend." i have often thought of how i wanted to introduce my friends by describing at least part of what i see as the essence of them. i am going to start with my roommate.

this is my super-cool roommate stacy, also affectionately known as stace-face. this particular picture was taken over thanksgiving break at my house. we broke out the guns and had a little backwoods fun, and this is the result: her awesome bulls eye. as you can see, she is pretty excited.

stacy is one of those people that you can't help but love. joy shines from her like a beacon whenever she sees you. she is gracious and kind and generous. countless times i have come back to the room and she has straightened up all the ridiculous mess that is my side of the room, and cleaned off everything, organizing is cathartic for her. she is so generous with everything she has, sharing her drinkable campbell's soup, buying me panera/food, sharing her blink money. there is not a selfish bone in her body. everyone is always borrowing her dvds without her even blinking an eye. often she puts off sleep, homework, time to herself to comfort her friends who are in need or who need to talk. she is so selfless.

stacy is such a joy to live with, and such an example for me. her patience is something to learn from and her excitement about the little things makes my days brighter.

i love my roommate. i have never had another roommate quite like her and i am so thankful i got to experience her friendship before my covenant experience was over.

thank you stacy, for being amazing, for seeking God, for being an example, and for caring about me.

i love you!

wise men.

2008-12-24T22:40:00.002-06:00

i walked out of the church office in my shiny white satin robe, with a gold rope around my waist, frayed from years and years of use. i left the christmas garland halo in the office because we were short one and i didn't want the pastor's wife to be the only angel without a halo.

yards of fabric in my arms, so i wouldn't trip as i followed the angel train, i positioned myself on stage next to the sorority girl and the farmer playing mary and joseph, rocking the newest edition to the collins family in their arms. i tried not to laugh as all the little kids in the front row waved and smiled, calling our names at us. "angels we have heard on high" ended after the second verse and the narrator began to read again...

"After Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Judea, during the time of King Herod, Magi from the east came to Jerusalem and asked, "Where is the one who has been born king of the Jews? We saw his star in the east and have come to worship him." his voice trailed off and the clinky keys of the piano played an introduction, followed by two hundred voices raised in the unison singing of we three kings.

"star of wonder, star of light. star with royal beauty bright."

the shadows approaching from the back of the darkness filled sanctuary (usually three teenaged boys in the prime of their life) soon became living forms again as the light crept slowly over the nuances of their faces.

three men. kenny, bob, and dave. tears welled up in my eyes, threatening to spill over onto the long preserved white satin that was wrapped around me. everyone's emotions were clear on their faces that night as they saw kenny walk down the aisle. even on the faces of bob and dave. kenny is 84. his wife has advanced dimensia and he has never loved her more, even through the frustration of her not knowing who he is. he is the most graceful and loving person i have ever met. on sunday nights he will get up at the pulpit and tell stories behind hymns. why they were written. who they were written by. the love of the Lord shines through his eyes constantly at every minute of the day. he has 7 children, 24 grandchildren, innumerable great grandchildren. he has influenced the lives of so many people that he will never know. he is frail. he is old. but he still hobbled down the aisle dressed up in shiny silk robes, carrying a cardboard box, spray painted gold to represent the gold in "gold, francensense, and myrrh." he knelt down at the stage and stayed on one knee for at least 6 minutes. he was facing me, on the stage, and i could see the effects of arthritis in his eyes, but he was still smiling. still happy. still serving the church, the body of Christ. still serving the Lord with all his might.

it is people like kenny that makes me love the small church, the small town. if i went to a large church i never would have met and grown to love this man, who i consider a grandfather.

i am blessed to know him.

[blank]

2008-12-20T23:46:00.003-06:00

hmm.

that is how i feel right now. kind of an empty-pensive-comfy-confused-comforted sort of feeling...

does that make sense?

right now i am sitting in my very warm, cozy room. i am knitting a little tiny blanket for a person who hasn't been born, hasn't been named, but i love him already.

i am watching a movie that is very indie, very emo, very musical, very wistful.

i am longing for a hand to hold, a soul to hug, a friend who thinks like me and loves like me and appreciates like me...to appreciate this moment.

i am contemplating the vast difference of my life between august and december.

i am missing the piano, missing the joy of making music, missing art, missing creating.

i am missing the idealistic world that i often describe my childhood as, that you see in movies, where it never gets dark, you just run through life barefoot, loving every little color, every little smell, every sight, taste, and feeling, every sound. hearing the harmonies of nature.

i can't live in an idealistic world alone.

i need you.

true love:

2008-12-19T18:18:00.004-06:00

sitting in the middle of a mcdonalds in the middle of nowhere, crying on the phone with your best friend while having one of the most difficult conversations ever...

and always realizing that the love is still most important.

it's in the air.

2008-12-13T16:08:00.003-06:00

the restlessness of the season. whenever christmas comes around i begin to notice in myself and others a restlessness, a busyness, an excitement, that cannot be felt at any other time of year. perhaps it's the snow, perhaps it's the gifts, perhaps it's the people surrounding this time of year, but for me, it is the childlike anticipation of magic. the magic that happens on christmas morning when all the elements come together.

christmas at my house has always looked just about the same, even though we have grown older. christmas eve is christmas with the kimbrells. all of my mother's family goes to my grandparents house and we eat a christmas eve lunch of baked ham (never been my favorite, but hey, it's tradition), deviled eggs (always my favorite), candied sweet potatoes, homemade rolls, and usually mashed potatos, inevitably with some form of cranberry salad for the three people that eat it. all the kids have to be patient because we always eat before we open presents. always. after we eat we vote on if we want dessert yet or not, and consistently the children all emphatically vote no dessert, let's open presents. as the years have gone by the focus of the kimbrell christmas has shifted. it went from my brother and my cousin george and i to george's little sister hannah and then to my youngest cousins ryan and alicia who are now entering high school and are no longer our babies.

still, though, the looks on their faces when they open their presents is priceless. it's always a conflicted sort of emotion. they are so excited to open it, almost always thrilled with the present inside, but still conflicted how to show the emotion because they just want to run to the other room to play with it, but they know they need to be polite and go find the person that bought it for them and thank them appropriately.

christmas eve night brings our church's children's program. all the sunday school kids put on a program with cheesy poems and one liners about jesus' birth and the reason for the season. each year there has been something new added, whether it's the new christmas eve band that opens the program (since all the kids are up to about 5th grade now and can play instruments...don't want those dollars to go to waste now...) or the jr. high girls singing some christian rendition of some christmas song that makes them feel like they are about 10 ft. high because "it's on the radio too." this year i am going to be in the nativity scene. in years past it has been put on by high school kids, but this year they are making it adults, for some unknown reason, and i am supposed to be an angel. come christmas eve i'll be donning a 20 year old silky white robe that only goes slightly past my knees, while everyone else's seems to go to the ground, tie on the gold, scratchy, christmas garland halo, which has to have fallen apart 13 times and been tied back together 12 times, and march out in front of the church family that i have known and loved for 21 years of my life and raise my arms in the air while they sing "angels we have heard on high." i did this role during high school. i never expected to do it again. it's a very humbling, embarassing, but slightly prideful moment of every christmas season.

from the stage i can always see jan howard. she has to be about 83/84 now. she taught me how to play piano at the age of 4, when my feet couldn't reach the pedals and she put stacks of books from her bookshelf there so i wouldn't kick my feet around for the whole lesson. she led me to Christ when i was 5 after her Bible story time at vacation bible school. she has tears in her eyes as she sings the glorias of the song, shining the glory of jesus through her eyes and smile. she is the most Godly woman i have ever met. she has led so many of us to christ as children. she is one of our spiritual mothers, and everyone has been effected by her life.

i can also see chuck pahl, who, rambunctious as ever, is still winking at the angels, trying to get them to break their pose and laugh. he is always the one you have to watch out for and warn your friends about when you bring them home. when nathan started dating carlie he would go up to her everytime she came to church and say "wait...you aren't the same one he brought last week...." as if she was one of many. he's a troublemaker.

christmas day has always been the same in my memory. my brother and i typically wake up by 8:30 or 9, take a quick shower, and call grandma harding to drive up. we are waiting on the couch in our pajamas, after doling out the stockings, waiting for the rest of the family to come sit down. we always have hot chocolate (at least mom, ben, and i) and i crawl under the tress and pass out all of the gifts, making huge piles, seemlingly endless. over the years this event has calmed down and changed gears. when we were young, ben and i just tore into our gifts, always getting through them too quickly for our own satisfaction. as we grew older we adopted a "one-at-a-time" style where we made everyone go around the room and open one present at a time so we could all see what everyone got. this, of course, was in the "everything must be equal" stage, so when we realized this brought attention to the fact that maybe he got more or maybe i got more, but we all got more than dad or mom, then we decided it was a bad strategy, and moved on to our current tradition. everyone opens at their own pace, on their own time. i personally like to sit and watch for about 15 minutes before i even start. i like seeing the look on people's faces as they open their gifts. there's always so much pressure on how to react, but someone when it's with your family, it doesn't matter, and it's all much more genuine.

around lunch my mom's parents come over to have cinnamon rolls and usually soup, and they stay all afternoon and play board games and see what we got from everyone else. in the evening the winterroth's come over. the twins and ben and i play settlers of catan and we all eat christmas candy and sometimes watch christmas movies, and just hang out and do the family thing.

day after christmas my dad's sister and her family come into town for a couple of days and the sarcastic are reunited, as my uncle mark and cousin kyle often bring home new wacky talent for us to listen to, ready with biting comments about it all. there is often uproars of laughter throughout the night, especially when grandma starts cackling from the kitchen because she's found the santa (part of the kissing santa/mrs. claus set that sits on a little bench on her kitchen table) that dad hides in a new place every christmas. one year he put it in the back part of the coffee pot, another time in the freezer, another time he gave it to her on christmas in a box wrapped delicately. every year there's a new surprise and a outburst of laughter from grandma, who just cannot fathom that he found yet another place to hide it.

so many traditions around this time of year. this is what fills me with excitment. the expected ordinariness of it all. i love it.

writing.

2008-12-06T12:52:00.003-06:00

it's such a cathartic activity to me now. it's amazing how doing something regularly can make it into such a habit. however, today it is frustrating because i am in a writing mood but cannot decide what to say, which puts the whole effort at a stand still.

this week has been particularly frustrating in many ways, but mostly because of the ridiculously heavy amount of homework i've had. busy all week, i didn't get to start my two 5 page papers (both due friday) until thursday around noon. after one paper took me til midnight i had to begin the next one early friday morning and then finish it throughout all my classes that day (since they're pretty much solid 9-4). the first paper was due at 10, so i got that turned in and then finished the other, due at 3, during my 1 o'clock class. thank goodness. talk about stress.

now i am sitting in a coffee shop. if over extension of the brain was an actual physical ailment, i would have it. i need to be working on a study guide, and even another paper, but my brain just doesn't want to begin to function. i just want to sleep. blaalalala. oh well.

i'll be home soon. excited about that.

in other news: i really like reading 1 kings. partially because of the content, partially because of the practice/developing the habit, and partially because of the tradition. well. you know what i mean.

home

2008-11-29T14:22:00.002-06:00

there is a certain bleakness to the midwest that i love. come mid october the scenery is devoid of vibrant colors and instead is replaced by a not unwelcome dullness. i like this time of year in the midwest. things seem to calm down. the wind calms down for a little bit, and the sky is clear, revealing the shining illumination of the stars. the countryside is no longer dark at night, but instead just darker than the day. you can still see shapes and objects under the starlight.

there is a certain beauty of seeing these aspects of my world through someone elses eyes. having my lovlies home with me this break has been an incredible blessing. i'm sure they miss their families and their traditions, but mine has been so much better just having my two worlds collide.

seeing the look on a friends face when they appreciate the things i appreciate about my home - my dad's joy for archery and guns, my brother's musical talent, my mother's cooking... - this is something i will never forget. this is what it is like to be truly understood.

my home is so much a part of my heart. i take it for granted, and often don't notice how much a part of me it is, but it rocks my world. being so used to living in the country where you can see all the way to the horizon at all times, all the nature, the silence, and calmness...these things i am used to and i miss when i'm not here...but i forget they're not natural to everyone. i love it when my friends discover the hidden beauty of something that is so stereotyped as "hick" or "country." instead, it is naturally beautiful, calming, a picture of what God intended the world to be.

i love this.

complexity of humans

2008-11-24T12:16:00.003-06:00

over this semester i have begun to realize the complexity involved when trying to describe a person. i think you always kind of recognize this at least at the beginning of every school year when you try to describe yourself to new friends or try to describe your family or friends to your new roommate, hallmate, friends, etc. it is even harder to describe your relationship with someone...

i just love words, but sometimes i wish i spoke more than english in order to more fully describe something.

i'll write more later.

lovas

2008-11-17T16:19:00.001-06:00

i just wanna feel the day...today.

2008-11-15T13:28:00.005-06:00

the sun is beaming through the windows with the feel of rain still in the air. it is still gloomy, but the sun breaks through, as if establishing its dominance over anything the skies could bring forth in combat of its rays.

the mirrors around the room reflect everything that goes on in this place. the locals come and go, a pair of 60 year old women coming in for their 1 oz. shots of espresso, families stopping by as they walk through the neighborhood, students bringing their work to this sanctuary.

as the rest of the world goes on outside, inside there is peace. the low drone of news radio in the background, the low hum of the drink cooler, the sound of the milk steaming and the espresso brewing...these are all the sounds of comfort.

the smells of coffee, bagels, homemade food - waft through the air. the cool breeze of fall blows through the room everytime another enters.

the stress of the past week has fallen away. the next week shines with promise as the days wind down before thanksgiving. the distant thoughts of peppermint and carols and the first snow linger in my mind as the fall leaves fall off the trees, leaving many branches bare.

today. i just want to feel the day today.

memories swirl through my head. memories of the distant past and the recent, as i look back on my writings and remember the beautiful times in my life. the brief moments in time that have deeply affected me, whether it was a brief look in someone's eye, a conversation with someone, or a moment i was too deeply immersed in to even realize the beauty of in the moment.

today. i will look back on today with the same remembrance. the remembrance of a day that changed the inside of my soul, no matter how ordinary it was.

it's the things that make my heart swell with contentment, happiness, pride, yet sorrow...

that is what i feel today.

friendship

2008-11-11T00:57:00.003-06:00

so i was looking around online and i found some quotes about friendship that i thought were beautiful.

"There isn’t much better in this life than finding a way to spend a few hours in conversation with people you respect and love. You have to carve this time out of your life because you aren’t really living without it."

"When someone allows you to bear his burdens, you have found deep friendship."

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."

"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather is one of those things that give value to survival."
- C. S. Lewis

"A person is only complete when he has a true friend to understand him, to share all his passions and sorrows with, and to stand by him throughout his life."

"No lapse of time or distance of place can lessen the friendship of those who are truly persuaded of each other's worth."

most of those i don't know who they're by...but i just wanted to remember them. they make me think of just how much the most beautiful friendship is worth...
there will be more...someday. but right now it's time for bed.

2008-11-08T21:07:00.001-06:00

As flowerlets, dropped and puckered up in the night, turn up to the returning sun and spread their petals wide on his new warmth and light - just so my wilted spirits rose again and such a heat of zeal surged through my veins that i was born anew.
-Dante's Inferno

2008-11-08T14:02:00.002-06:00

this day

is epic

nature

2008-11-05T09:36:00.001-06:00

My spirits were elevated by the enchanting appearance of nature; the past was blotted from my memory, the present was tranquil, and the future gilded by bright rays of hope, and anticipations of joy.

Frankenstein by Mary Shelley [p 81]

and we pause for a brief celebration...

2008-11-05T08:57:00.001-06:00

i got an 88 on my sociology test!

last test i did horribly, and after this test i felt like i had done worse, so i am absolutely thrilled!!!

hot topic - part two

2008-11-04T20:52:00.002-06:00

my absolute most favorite thing in the world is learning about people that were influential in the past. i have thoroughly enjoyed my 20th century history class this year. i never knew i liked history so much. my favorite, though, is learning about influential people in the history of art. andy warhol fascinates me. i have always been interested in his art, but i never knew much about him. however, last year i watched factory girl and watched it again with taryn on sunday and was just enthralled with it. it is the story of edie sedgwick who was andy warhol's "superstar." i am just mesmerized by the absolute brokenness and amount of damage that can be caused by drugs and essentially idolizing that kind of lifestyle. it is just absolutely beautiful the way they portrayed the story. the whole thing is so poignant. i would definitely recommend it. definitely one of my favorite movies [i just love analyzing movies...]

another favorite thing is late night conversations. there is just something about the nighttime that makes it easier to be open about things. it's easier to be philosophical, easier to be willing to talk about more difficult and deep issues. most of all, i love the bond that comes from being vulnerable with someone. one thing i don't like about the college [maybe it's just Covenant] community is the forced vulnerability that is expected. "how are you really doing?" "um..well..i guess i'll tell you..." but you don't really want to. it is just so much more meaningful when you know the other person is trusting you enough to let their guard down and are willing to let you in. it's like a gift. probably the best gift ever.

probably the best thing ever, though, is having someone in your life that is attuned to these things too, who can share in the appreciation of art, of beauty, of fall, of friendship, of even just a few simple words.

this is a brand new experience for me.

There's a Certain Slant of Light - Emily Dickinson

2008-11-03T09:07:00.001-06:00

There's a certain slant of light,
On winter afternoons,
That oppresses, like the weight
Of cathedral tunes.

Heavenly hurt it gives us;
We can find no scar,
But internal difference
Where the meanings are.

None may teach it anything,
'Tis the seal, despair,-
An imperial affliction
Sent us of the air.

When it comes, the landscape listens,
Shadows hold their breath;
When it goes, 't is like the distance
On the look of death.

hot topic

2008-11-03T00:16:00.014-06:00

topics i want to talk about as soon as this insipid test is over:

~~factorygirl [edie sedgwick, andy warhol, etc.]~~
my roomie dearest, gift-giver-encouragement-giver-extraordinaire
my indescribably precious puzzle-piece of a friend
~~late night conversations~~
fall [leaves, trees, breeze, outside, etc.]
blessings

stuck in my own head

2008-10-31T22:20:00.002-05:00

this happens alot to me. i have so many emotions and feelings, thoughts and ideas mulling around inside of me, but i often have alot of trouble finding a way to express them outwardly. i definitely tend to write journals/blogs and poetry from a storytelling perspective instead of a third person perspective for just this reason. it just seems easier for me to tell it all as if it were coming from someone else, but on days like today, that just doesn't seem good enough.

i hate not knowing how to explain myself.

mmhmm.

2008-10-25T22:47:00.008-05:00

you know those days? the days where you feel like your life is well rounded? the days when you feel completely content? the days when all you want to do is thank God for your life? i love those days.

today was that day.

i forget how much i love conversation. i love being analytical, philosophical...really just intelligent conversation with someone else...makes my heart happy. other things good about today:

-coffee (and lots of it)
-riverfront in chattavegas
-being outside
-panera bagels
-french press
-laughing so hard your stomach hurts
-realizing you have a million things in common with someone
-feeling the wind on your face
-peace
-french press
-looking off the side of the mountain at night when you can see all the lights
-coloring a picture of timone
-french press
-gilmore girls
-being able to comfort someone with cookies
-realizing you can't live your life anymore without certain people
-french press
-the art district
-contentment
-sitting next to a wall
-overhearing conversations
-sitting in cars for long periods of time just relishing the moment
-wearing other people's pajama pants
-the sound of the clock ticking
-the feeling of God's sovereignty
-warm toes
-long sleeved t-shirts
-the newly learned appreciation of warm showers
-clean rooms
-poetry
-blogs
-snuggling

amen and hallelujah. :D

back "home"

2008-10-23T12:01:00.002-05:00

i have realized that whether i'm traveling to illinois or georgia, i still call it "going home." it's a weird time of life when your ties to home are not as strong, but your ties to school haven't been completely strengthened either. this used to bother me. i remember my first year or two here feeling completely lost and useless because i wasn't as close to home anymore, but i didn't "fit in" here. i think it just takes a little getting used to in order to realize that it's not necessary to be completely tied to one place. i think some people have an advantage here. they are used to moving around, so shifting from state to state doesn't phase them. however, after growing up and being raised in the same state, same city, same house...it seem as though this adjustment was harder for me to realize.

at this point, i love being fluid and not tied to anywhere in particular. it gives this strange sense of freedom and possibility. the idea of moving someone besides home after graduation is slowly creeping into my thoughts and i must say i'm loving the possibility. of course, at this point nothing can be decided...but it's fun to know that i'm in the time of life where i am making decisions just for my person, not for a family that i hope i will eventually have. it's the time to do what i want to do while i still can. it's exciting.

:( so far away

2008-10-21T00:01:00.001-05:00

oh my.

2008-10-19T20:26:00.008-05:00

i do not even know how to begin to tell you about my day today. my brother's barbershop quartet afterhours sang at the 66th annual something or other where the main concert was the "pride of peoria barbershop chorus" and then ben's quartet was the featured entertainment for about 30 minutes after intermission. my parents and some friends and i got to the concert hall and sat down we weren't sure what to expect. i expected a large chorus of 30-40 year old men in red and white striped jackets with straw hats and canes like barbershop things stereotypically are. i figured there would be a few quartets featured and stuff.

boy was i wrong.

the curtains open....and there is a 40 person chorus of men with an average age of....well...i'm gonna go with 86. seriously. these men. old. they were so old they could barely walk. they were all sitting in chairs and singing. and they DID have canes. however, not for show..they were because they couldn't WALK. the best part was when this old WWII vet (prob WWI too...) came out to sing "his favorite song" and then only knew the chorus and kinda mumbled through the rest of the words....he hummed part of it. it was pretty special.

another special moment in the show was when was of the local newsanchors (who was emceeing) came out in a ridiculous amount of white spandex and a black wig and did an interesting, but not accurate, elvis impersonation, and started kissing all the old ladies (by the way the audience average age was probably 84) and shaking his butt in their faces. *shiver* wow it was scary. my grandma kept pointing at me because she wanted him to come over. let me just tell you i probably would have died on the spot.

i especially liked the costumes in the clip above. it is a brief part of a song about chicago...my favorite part is the 2 or 3 guys who put on baseball caps sideways to look like thugs. ha. that was special. below is my brother's quartet. i love them alot. tim beutel, my brother, dan wessler, and joel cox. great guys. amazing singers. awesome group.

yay!

and thus ends the story of my day. i wish i hadn't experienced all of that alone. :(

shards of glass

2008-10-15T15:16:00.006-05:00

anyone have anything breakable that they would prefer to have in pieces??

because today...especially today...i would be glad to help you out with that.

senior year

2008-10-11T13:41:00.003-05:00

it has been such a hard semester, but already one of the most beautiful times of my life. it's sad to think that i am just now feelings settled and in place at covenant, and i'm getting ready to leave. i have come to realize the beauty of the full acceptance of people for all that they are, quirks, preferences, etc. not just being someone who does this, but experiencing it for myself. it's lovely.

in other news: i can't wait to go home. i miss my dear friends who are starting their adult lives in peoria while i work away at getting to that point in my life. it's so hard to believe that in 7 short months i will be done with school (at least for now). it has been such a long time coming and i have been looking forward to it for so long that i can't help but think i will feel a sense of dissapointment once it's all over. college is such a interesting and unnatural time in life that it's weird to think i'll never be back again.

ahh i'm getting all anti-change again. i hate it when this happens. everytime a new stage of life is about to begin. the next stage is always just as good or better.....

oh well. back to homework.

i just realized...

2008-09-25T12:27:00.001-05:00

that the sound of mowing makes me feel that sense of "home." some of my favorite memories of home are laying on the living room floor with my dog in the fall with all the windows open and mom mowing the front yard. something about the smell of fresh cut grass and the sound of a mower going back and forth makes me feel not alone.

i'm glad the grass grows in georgia too...

friends

2008-09-21T19:41:00.002-05:00

i love making new friends. it is refreshing. it makes me like to be me. it also makes me remember what i like in others. it makes me pay attention to more minute details that i would otherwise. still...it's stressful having new friends. i'm constantly second guessing myself and trying not to let myself change just because it's awkward. there's always awkwardness in getting to know new people.

i think this is where friendships differentiate themselves. real friendships...good friendships...they are bigger than all of that. it doesn't matter how awkward it may or may not get. you still are in it for the long haul. it's when all those problems make you rethink the friendship...that's when something's wrong.

that's the thing i love about the new school year. there's the opportunity for so many more friendships. this year i am feeling particularly blessed in that area. it kind of makes me want to cry. i think i cry most when i feel undeservedly blessed. anyway, to my new friends...thank you. for being you, for befriending me, for living each day in the way that you do. it rocks my world.

you know when someone comes into your life and you can't imagine life without them? like you wouldn't know how to exist in a world that didn't have them in it? yeah i have that.

dead as a doornail

2008-08-18T23:41:00.002-05:00

well. it was fun while it lasted. me and the MPC...we had some good times. we had some laughs and some cries. some emails we wished we hadn't sent and some ones that moved us to tears with their devotion and caring. but alas, MPC has moved on to a different world. i will not say a better world because as far as i can see...it did not deserve to be in a better world. however, it has in fact passed on.

soooooo....soon i will have a new member joining my family. most likely a gateway...or a hp...but as much as i wish i could treat all my children equal...they will always know they would not be loved as much as a mac would have been. who knows. maybe in the future i will have a mac...but this is not the time for that kind of addition to my family. :'(

the taste of chicago and other such news

2008-07-05T01:02:00.002-05:00

well i am hangin' in chicago with katie and havin' a blast. i got here wednesday night late and when we woke up (nice and late) on thursday we got ready and after getting some coffee took the metra to downtown chicago for the taste of chicago. i have to document the many things i tasted that i never would have, if there weren't fun people trying to persuade me to do it.

first i tried pot stickers. not as scary and druggish as they sound. then i had a bite of shark. it was creepy but not too shabby. not a repeat in my opinion. grilled plantain with spicy peanut sauce (from the taste of africa stand), pulled turkey with bbq sauce, chocolate covered strawberries, and mozzarella sticks. i think that was all....also, on my way to one of those stands i saw caitlyn in there with her friend coleen. it was really fun to meet one of her friends from school.

anyway it was quite the day. then we set up camp and watched the fireworks over lake michigan. it was awesome. apparently someone got shot that night. we did not hear the gunshot.

today we slept in again (definitely one of my favorite parts of vacation) and then went to munster, indiana for a "family" (kinda like the fake aunt and uncle situation) cookout and 4th of july parade. we got alot of candy. :) yay. then tonight, after a brief friend watching stint, we went over to vanderdutch's house and i met all the people that i've seen faces and heard names of but never met. one of my favorite's is nick grimberg. he's very tall, which comes in very handy. haha. quite the comedian. then i met laura henke, katie burns, katie leensvart, matt danaher, matt dauner, bill (laura's bf), ryan (katie leens' bf), AP, stephanie, karen, and matt ipema. i think that's all. anyway it was really fun to finally meet them. while the guys were in the other room playing pool and garage band, the girls were in the living room with the black lights on and the music up having a dance party.

tomorrow we are going to the beach, which should be lots of fun, and then something to do with dancing again. these people like to dance. :) then sunday is church and then i have to go home, back to the boring stressful job. but hey. i'm here. i'm gonna go enjoy it. :)

thoughts

2008-06-30T23:18:00.002-05:00

matthew broderick makes me nervous.

have you ever seen producers? i am currently in the first 20 minutes of the movie and remembered why i never watch matthew broderick movies. however. he IS a great singer.

this also spurs thoughts of how much i miss broadway music. ever since we got our saturn car i haven't been listening to my iPod playlists because there is no tape deck for the adapter. i have a playlist for every occasion. here they are:

chillaxin - for all your feist, ditty bops, corinne bailey rae needs
christmas - self explanatory
classic! - norah jones, sara gazarek, coldplay, lily allen, suzanne vega, eisley, regina....etc.
escape - scissor sisters, aretha, plain white t's, simon and garfunkel, cascada, christina aguilera, grease soundtrack, rent soundtrack, will smith.
hippie music - all your classic oldies.
l'arome de paris - all my french music :) for the paris cafe days
loveKate - all my songs from my friend Katie
my heart sings - sara groves, casting crowns, hillsong, etc.
no reservations - soundtrack
POWERTUNES - upbeat summer workout tunes
rent - soundtrack
roadtrip mix - mix Katie and i made for our many trips home and to florida
study music - diplo, chaka demus, fergie, sean kingston, gwen stefani, step up soundtrack
sweeny todd - soundtrack
last five years - soundtrack
thumpity thump - all my hiphop music
wicked - soundtrack

so as you can see...i like the soundtracks. :)

what's on your playlists this summer?

progress

2008-06-13T23:49:00.002-05:00

prayer

2008-06-12T18:54:00.002-05:00

tonight is our weekly prayer meeting. my friends and i have started getting together to pray for each other on thursday nights. it is only the end of the first week but i can't even begin to tell you how much it has blessed me. it has been a while since i felt anything. you know that feeling when your heart gets used to the Spirit's conviction and you just don't care anymore. i hate that feeling. it's amazing the difference there is when you are consistent with prayer and devotions.

ok it's late and i can't think anymore, but i will post more later.

summer.

2008-06-08T01:09:00.002-05:00

me and the sun......?

we're pretty much bff's by this point.

quilting.

2008-05-26T01:06:00.006-05:00

i have decided to start quilting. i stole this pattern from my friend corrie's website. she is making it for her son finn. i have been wanting to make something for my friends, the wynja's, and the upcoming birth of their 2nd child, which i will be present for, seems to be the perfect opportunity. i went to walmart and picked out 8 different colors of fabric and have just started cutting out the 6x6 squares.

anyway, this is the progress i've made. it's 1:15 am and, due to extensive sleep this morning, i am not tired. so i'm going to continue to cut out squares while watching friends. :) i love friends. what is keeping you busy this summer?

project

2008-05-10T23:31:00.004-05:00

hannah and i started working on a project tonight. last night i found a purse pattern online and tried making myself a purse and it turned out so well that we decided to go ahead and make more. here is the finished product...

the one on the left is the one i made last night and the one on the right is the one i made for ghia. after i texted her a picture of the one i made she said she wanted one with purple. i think i like her clasp better for sure, but i like my longer handles a little better. who knows. i love them both.

2008-05-04T01:04:00.000-05:00

I have missed Grey's anatomy SO MUCH. I just caught up on last Thursday's episode, and it is ridiculous the roller coaster of emotions it takes you through. Whew. Love it.

I hate change

2008-04-15T15:32:00.001-05:00

I have been thinking about the whole "end of an era" thing again, which is never good news in Jill-Land. At the end of high school I sobbed endlessly just because I would never be able to revisit that era of my life again. I was forever out of high school. And, while that change has not been a bad one to say the least, I still hate the end of an era. Well, today has been a very...that kind of day for me. I am starting to look forward to graduating college and picking a grad school, etc. and I don't like making these kinds a of big decisions. Mainly because I'm afraid I'll decide what I want to do and not be able to do it due to money or something. I just know I want the perfect program for me. Right now I'm looking at the Chicago School of Professional Psychology. It looks great. We'll see I guess.

mushy brain

2008-04-15T09:39:00.000-05:00

Critical thinking is not my thing...which makes me really sad. I have every intention of going into each class being able to think of a good and penetrating question to ask, but nothing ever comes up in my mind. Sometimes I disagree with whatever we're talking about, but generally I agree and/or just soak it all in. I wish this could change. :( I don't know how to change it though.

Forgiveness

2008-04-10T19:41:00.001-05:00

I stole this from Olivia's site, but I didn't want to lose it. It's so profound.

“When we are willing to confess that we often hand those we love over to suffering, even against our best intentions, we will be more ready to forgive those who, mostly against their will, are the causes of our pain.” -Henri Nouwen

seems like nothing is black and white anymore

2008-04-06T17:43:00.000-05:00

It's been an interesting weekend emotionally. You know...it's been 2 years since I've been at Covenant. Typically I think students grow more and more accustomed to college life. Well I have seemed to do the opposite. Everyday my desire for home grows stronger and stronger.

Why do you think that is? I think it's because as we grow older we develop more of an independence from our home and family than we used to have, but we miss life as it used to be, especially in college. We look back and long to be the little kid that gets taken care of again. When we're sick we want our mom's to hold our heads in their laps and make us chicken noodle soup (i don't think my mom ever did that though) and rub our backs. We want to be able to be vulnerable, but instead we have to buck up and take care of business, because when you're away at school...it's kind of like you are your own family.

I think this is where Matthew 18:3 is applicable. "And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." God wants us to maintain that childlike sense of dependency on Him. We need to rely on him for every little thing. It's so hard to do, you know. To not try and take care of it ourselves. That reminds me of me in high school. I, though I was learning independence, jumped into it heart and soul and tried to do everything on my own, apart from my parents. The only thing I consistently did not do for myself was try and pay for things. I kinda view this like how we continually go to God when we need help. We use him when we need him, but otherwise we just kinda go on our merry way.

Hm. How does YOUR relationship with God look? Like the highschooler/college student, mooching off his/her parents? Or like a child?

your mom goes to atlanta!

2008-03-15T15:08:00.009-05:00

i forgot how much i missed those guys.
wow.

after james and i had been hugging for a good...minute and a half or so he turns to his friend rebecca and says "look rebecca! we can hug for a long time and it's not even awkward!"
*sigh*

tomorrow we're going to their church. i'm so excited.

here are two old pictures of us from last semester when they came to chattanooga. my camera had died so it took me this long to get the pictures from talitha, a girl at MAMC.

...and it feels like home

2008-03-15T00:59:00.001-05:00

today my bestest friend katie and i finished classes and piled into the car with all (basically every single one) of our school books, and a small little bag packed with necessities, and set out for an adventure. we didn't have a definite plan, but we just knew we had to get away from school. it's just been one of those weeks.

on our way out of chattavegas we hit up the bank and panera where i ordered 5 blueberry bagels, and 1 apple strudel bagel. after a pit stop at starbucks (as each random roadtrip calls for) we hit the road.

the quasi-plan was to spend the night at kelsey's house and end up sometime saturday in atlanta to visit levi and james, but other than that we had no plans. however, after a few resourceful phone calls on my part, doors just opened wide for a weekend spree filled with conversing, laughing, and [studying].

after the starbucks stop we drove an hour to adairsville, georgia, where we let ourselves in (with permission) to my friend kelsey's house. everyone was out, but we just plugged in our computers and worked on some stuff while watching cable [hallelujah] and resting on a real, honest-to-goodness couch. (don't get many of those at covenant) after everyone arrived home we perused wedding magazines and websites (as kelsey is recently engaged) and then enjoyed a tasty dinner of tortilla chips, chicken marinated in italian dressing and shredded, and a mixture of mozzarella and cheddar cheeses, topped of with fresh-from-the-oven brownies and edy's slow churned ice cream while watching "connie and carla" (my FAVORITE comedy). [sorry for the run-on sentence there]

the plan for tomorrow is wake up around 9:30 or 10 (seeing as it's already 2:10 am) and getting ready and leaving to go meet levi and james in ATL at about noon. i'm so excited to see them. it's been far too long since i have seen these brothers, and i am just dying to hug them!! :)

we get to hang out with the boys for 2 or 3 hours and then katie and i are going to find an amazing little ATL coffee shop and study our lives away all afternoon/evening, until about 9 when we are going to drop in on my dear friend sarah brown's family and crash on their floor until church in the morning (again with levi and james) then we'll come back to chatt.

i'm very excited about the prospect of this weekend. apparently tonight, however, there was a tornado around the downtown area, destroying the georgia dome, some of the high rise apartments, and the centennial olympic park.

anyway, it's time to sleep. i'll update later about how the weekend went.

That is neither here nor there.

2008-03-12T15:17:00.003-05:00

It's been an interesting past week or so. Spring break was amazing. Thanks to all who made my 21st birthday a blast! :) The SEPA conference I attended during spring break was interesting and really made me love the discipline even more. I'm excited to know more and more people in my department and in the school. Today has been an interesting day. This morning in my Christian Issues class we had a SIP presentation by Amira Mikhail who is Egyptian/American. She's really great. Her SIP was one terrorism and causes of terrorism from the perspective of the terrorist. I love learning about these types of things after I know they have been studied scientifically.

Anyway, on another note, I have been wanting to clean my room and have it be warm enough to just leave the window open. However, I have a test tomorrow (which I should be studying for right now) which has been taking up every minute of my day. I am looking forward to having it over.

Thank you Dr. Wright for moving the book review until after Easter Break. It's a wonderful blessing.

Ok off to study. More thoughts later.

And the pressing question is.......

2008-03-06T01:47:00.004-06:00

After the writers' guild strike.....

Is your favorite primetime TV show coming back?

school vs. home

2008-03-05T01:16:00.002-06:00

i miss my claudia. i got to talk to her tonight for a long time and forgot how much i learn just in conversation with other psych majors when i'm at school. every conversation is just a reinforcement of everything we learn during the week.

plus i just love her.

but i also got to see my tressa-bear tonight, whom i haven't seen for about 8 months. it's been far too long since we've been friends.

i want to stay here but i want to be at school too.

i hate this dichotomy.

So.

2008-03-03T00:32:00.001-06:00

I'm 21 now.

Who knew it would come so soon....?

The Dew-Claw

2008-02-26T23:49:00.002-06:00

in order to fully explain the progression of the events in my day, i will relate to you a story that my marvelous father wrote long ago. it is a work of fiction, but once you read it you will understand how my day felt. enjoy.

-------------------------------------

Dictating this note from the hospital, where I've just been upgraded to "Serious" condition, which is considerably better than the "Critical" of a few hours ago.

You see, as I finished snipping off Sophie's vestigial dew claw earlier this afternoon, she inadvertently snapped at the pain, just catching the tip of my earlobe with her needle-sharp teeth and causing me to inhale sharply in surprise. The flow of air in the direction of my lungs dislodged the dew claw, which I still held between my teeth (having had no time to spit), and I sucked it, bug-eyed, into my trachea. The little claw is sharp, of course (as you undoubtedly know well), and the pointed tip lodged in my throat, right behind that little hangy-ball thing, and in the flap that separates food-tube from air-tube (hope I'm not being too technical, here). Have you ever tried to do the Heimlich manuveur on yourself??? It was most unsuccessful, although I dislocated my right shoulder in the attempt. Rotator cuff surgery is scheduled for Friday. Still choking, and turning a particularly interesting shade of blue at this point, I knew I needed to find help.

I picked myself up off the ground, where I had been writhing in pain from the shoulder injury, and ran to the porch in something that might have appeared to be sheer panic, although I was, of course, quite calm. Jerking the door open, I hit myself full in the face with corner of it- shattering the priceless stained glass window in it along with my upper and lower front teeth. I would have settled for the embarrassment if only the blow had knocked loose the oxygen-depriving dew claw, but could I be so lucky? Dental reconstruction will take place a week from Thursday, if I'm out of the hospital.

On my feet once again, my world spinning from the minor concussion and the lack of air, I stumbled into the living room where my loving family sat doing their home schooling (today's lesson: watching Jerry Springer on- "I'd slept with my cousin, but why do they call it 'sleeping'.") They were aghast! I was wild-eyed, bleedy profusely from the mouth, and something approaching a very dark purple. They were my last hope. As one they rose to their feet- wife, daughter, and son leaping to assist, expressions of concern and compassion were evident on every face. Though consciousness was fading, I heard their angelic voices calling. "Poor Sophie!!" they cried to the beagle pup which I had unknowingly failed to put down outside. "What happened to 'ur poor wittle, itsy-bitsy foot!!!"

Skull fractures aren't nearly as painful as you may have heard, and the news wasn't all bad, you see. As I went over backward like a yew felled for billets (and the kids took the puppy from my arms so she wouldn't get hurt), I struck the back of my head on our quarry tile floor. The resounding "whack" is difficult to describe in tone... something between the sound made by a 40# watermelon hitting when thrown from a railroad bridge and the noise Jim Thome makes when he smacks a bowling ball with a railroad tie (I'm sure you know what I mean). Still, I was.... LUCKY! The 900 foot/pound impact on the back of my skull broke it into a fine-meshed gravel consistency, but FINALLY knocked loose the life-threatening dew claw (I'll probably be in orthopedic surgery for skull reconstruction by the time you read this- I've requested Resorcinal and strips of Osage if normal bone grafts can't be done).

You would have thought I'd be unconscious, but I distinctly remember opening my eyes widely as I FINALLY drew air into my starving lungs in loud, wrenching gulps. Yes, my eyes were wide open, and I watched helplessly as the now-expelled dew claw described a gentle arc, accelerating at 32 ft./sec./sec. as it fell toward earth. No, skull fractures don't hurt all that badly, but a torn cornea and perforated lens is almost delicious in its indescribable torment. The opthamologist assures me he can match my other eye perfectly with one of the new colors of glass if the post operative infection continues to spread through my body.

Finally, I passed out. OK, so I'm a wimp. Not EVERYONE can have Mediterranean blood flowing their veins. When I awoke a St. Francis hospital, I had a DEVIL of a time convincing the priest that Presbyterians don't take the Last Rights.

Did I mention the torn ligaments in my left knee and the ruptured spleen? Well, I don't want two fine friends like you to think I'm a chronic complainer, so I'll just skip that part. After all, the ambulance driver didn't mean to hit that school bus (or so says my attorney). In spite of it all, if the liver transplant is done in time (don't even ask), and the anti-rejection drugs seem well regulated, I hope to see you both at the GLLI. I'm hoping that Hungarian chap will let me try shooting from his horse. Some how, at this point, it doesn't seem so dangerous.

Thanks for all your advice, some of it was very helpful. I thought I should let you know, though, that the Harding's now have a family vet, and I suspect we may use him from now on.

From your friend, and one fortunate dude....

Daryl

rats, psi chi, and friends

2008-02-19T23:42:00.007-06:00

here is me and paul anka. she likes me alot. can you tell? we've been spending alot of time together. she is supposed to be learning how to press a bar to get a reinforcement. (treat)

right now she knows where to find the treats but not quite how to get them. i only give the treats when she presses the bar, but it's many many minutos inbetween bar presses....proving to the world that she hasn't quite connected the dots yet.

tonight i was officially inducted into the covenant chapter of psi chi. this, as you may or may not know, is the national psychology honors society. in order to be accepted for membership you must 1) have 9 or more psychology credits at the university you are attending, 2) have a 3.0 or higher psychology class gpa, and 3) have a 3.5 or higher overall gpa. so thankfully i just scraped by on that psych class gpa and made it in! yayyyy!

and for good measure, here is a picture of my beloved hallmate elizabeth and i. i love her dearly. we made a list of things to do this year. it is hanging on my wall. some of the items include get a library card in chattanooga, read a historical book, write a poem, fingerpaint.....etc. :)

i have alot more thoughts on psychology to share soon. i have been overwhelmed/engulfed in psychology lately, and it has become my standard of thinking...my typical musings if you will. however, that is all for today...... :) love to you all

Bread and Wine: Readings for Lent and Easter

2008-02-16T23:32:00.002-06:00

"Living Lent" by Barbara Cawthorne Crafton
We didn't even know what moderation was. What it felt like. We didn't just work: we inhaled our jobs, sucked them in, became them. Stayed late, brought work home - it was never enough, though, no matter how much time we put in.

We didn't just smoke: we lit up a cigarette, only to realize that we already had one going in the ashtray.

We ordered things we didn't need from the shiny catalogs that come to our houses: we ordered three times as much as we could use, and then we ordered three times as much as our children could use.

We didn't just eat: we stuffed ourselves. We had gained only three pounds since the previous year, we told ourselves. Three pounds is not a lot. We had gained about that much in each of the twenty-five years since high school. We did not do the math.

We redid living rooms in which the furniture was not worn out. We threw away clothing that was merely out of style. We drank wine when the label on our prescription said it was dangerous to use alcohol while taking this medication. "They always put that on the label," we told our children when they asked about this. We saw that they were worried. We knew it was because they loved us and needed us. How innocent they were. We hastened to reassure them: "It doesn't really hurt if you're careful."

We felt that it was important to be good to ourselves, and that this meant that it was dangerous to tell ourselves no. About anything, ever. Repression of one's desires was an unhealthy thing. I work hard, we told ourselves. I deserve a little treat. We treated ourselves every day.

And if it was dangerous for us to want and not have, it was even more so for our children. They must never know what it is to want something and not have it immediately. It will make them bitter, we told ourselves. So we anticipated the needs and desires. We got them both the doll and the bike. If their grades were good, we got them their own telephones.

There were times, coming into the house from work or waking early when all was quiet, when we felt uneasy about the sense of entitlement that characterized all our days. When we wondered if fevered overwork and excess of appetite were not two sides of the same coin - or rather, two poles between which we madly slalomed. Probably yes, we decided at these times. Suddenly we saw it all clearly: I am driven by my creatures - my schedule, my work, my possessions, my hungers. I do not drive them; they drive me. Probably yes. Certainly yes. This is how it is. We arose and did twenty sit-ups. The next day the moment had passed; we did none.

After moments like that, we were awash in self-contempt. You are weak. Self-indulgent. You are spineless about work and about everything else. You set no limits. You will become ineffective. We bridled at that last bit, drew ourselves up to our full heights, insisted defensively on our competence, on the respect we were due because of all our hard work. We looked for others whose lives were similarly overstuffed; we found them. "This is just the way it is," we said to one another ont he train, in the restaurant. "This is modern life. Maybe some people have time to measure things our by teaspoonfulls." Our voices dripped contempt for those people who had such time. We felt oddly defensive, though no one had accused us of anything. But not me. Not anyone who has a life. I have a life. I work hard. I play hard.

When did the collision between our appetites and the needs of our souls happen? Was there a heart attack? Did we get laid off from work, one of the thousands certified as extraneous? Did a beloved child become a bored stranger, a marriage fall silent and cold? Or, by some exquisite working of God's grace, did we just find the courage to look the truth in the eye and, for once,l not blink? How did we come to know that we were dying a slow and unacknowledged death? And that the only way back to life was to set all our packages down and begin again, carrying with us only what we really needed?

We travail. We are heavy laden. Refresh us, O homeless, jobless, possession-less Savior. You came naked, and naked you go. And so it is for us. So it is for all of us.

!!!

2008-02-10T22:36:00.000-06:00

18 days til i come home!!!

Paul Anka

2008-02-08T15:31:00.000-06:00

This is my rat.

Her name is Paul Anka.

Yes it's a she, named after a he. ;)

Paul Anka is the name of the dog on Gilmore Girls, which is where I got the name. However, here is what Wikipedia says about Paul Anka:

"Paul Anka is a Canadian singer/songwriter of Lebanese origin. He became a naturalized U.S. citizen in 1990.

Anka first became famous as a teen idol in the last 1950's and 1960's with hit songs like 'Diana,' 'Lonely Boy,' and 'Put Your Head On My Shoulder.' He went on to write such well known music as the theme for The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson, Tom Jones' biggest hit 'She's A Lady,' and the English lyrics for Frank Sinatra's signature song 'My Way.'"

So I hope, through this clever naming of my rat (ha!), you have learned a little bit more pop culture history than you knew before. :D

post-its, post-its everywhere

2008-02-08T15:05:00.000-06:00

For the past two weeks I have been pestering my psychology professor, Dr. Wright, to come to the SEPA conference (South Eastern Psychological Association) with us. I would whisper it as he passed by desk in class, "Come to SEPA..." I would propose a trade off for an earlier book report deadline: "Ok...I'll do the early deadline if...you come to SEPA!"

Finally, yesterday brought the climax of the persuasion. I brought it up every moment I could during the day. That evening I was studying in the psych lab with some friends for our doctrine test today. Suddenly a brilliant idea popped into my head. "Post-its!!" So my friend grabbed some post-its from my desk and brought them down to the psych lab and helped me write notes to stick all over Dr. Wright's office. They were ridiculous notes, but I knew that he would laugh when he saw them in the morning.

After a fitful sleep last night (worried that we may instead get in trouble for this harmless act!) I woke up to an email in my inbox from good ol' Dr. Wright. This is what it said: "Nice work in my office! Ok, so I'm smiling...even laughing :)" I began to laugh, excited about the success of the evening. Class went as normal, and later, when I passed Dr. Wright on his way out of campus he gave me a glare with a twinkle in his eye and said, "Hey...stay outta my office!"

Thus ends the tale of a successful prank on a prof.

chickadee

new blog

i miss you, little blog

i love technology

full life...full heart

thanksgiving

screwtape

relaxation

Romans 7:15-25

home again

one unhappy thought

Micah 7:18-19

happy thought #3

happy thought #2

happy thought #1

grown up.

address

reflection

a heart like his

skyping = good for the soul

apartment hunting is hard

bumbling

renew

life as i knew it.

still

....

i miss her

here it is

reading

*snap*

the endtimes

new blog

rainy days

liquid velvet

remember this guy?

drear

STEAK

ch-ch-ch-changes

sweet time

*yawn*

titus

back together again

speechless

relief.

i miss this face

essay of a friend - part one

wise men.

[blank]

true love:

it's in the air.

writing.

home

complexity of humans

lovas

i just wanna feel the day...today.

friendship

nature

and we pause for a brief celebration...

hot topic - part two

There's a Certain Slant of Light - Emily Dickinson

hot topic

stuck in my own head

mmhmm.

back "home"

:( so far away

oh my.

shards of glass

senior year

i just realized...

friends

dead as a doornail

the taste of chicago and other such news

thoughts

progress

prayer

summer.

quilting.

project

I hate change

mushy brain

snap

yawn